Sunday, May 6, 2012

No more shots please!!!!

8:45 this morning, I had my methotrexate shot.  It was actually two injections, one in each hip.  My hips are sore....

I'm not posting much today because I just feel like crap.  I've got a headache from hell and can only take tylenol.  My insides are burning and I don't want to eat.  My joints and muscles are sore.  I really just want to sleep this all away....

Friday, May 4, 2012

I swear if I have to see another needle today, I'm going to cry

Blood work and an ultrasound this morning.  Nothing shows up in my uterus or my tubes or anywhere else for that matter.  My lining looks amazing for a pregnant woman.  They take the vial of blood and tell me they'll call this afternoon.

They called this afternoon to let me know my levels went up from 154 to 160. 

I go to the doctor thinking I am going to get that stupid shot of chemo meds.  Instead I get a full blood work up, 3 big vials of blood taken.  They are checking my liver, kidneys, the whole shabang.  I go back Sunday morning to get the shot.  I had to sign waiver forms saying that I knew the meds would end any pregnancy.  That is one of the hardest things to sign, but I've signed it before for my D&Cs.  It just breaks your heart.  I know that this was not a viable pregnancy and that my poor baby has been gone for a while now.  Its just hard to see it on paper.

I did learn some more about the shot though.  It causes all the folic acid in your body to be drained out.  I can't take my vitamins or aspirin for at least a month.  No intercourse during that time either.  Oh, no alcohol, even though I could use some....  But I don't want to end up with liver toxicity.  I also can't be out in the sun without sunscreen or for long times because I'm going to be more likely to sun burn.  I don't know how that is possible with my tendency to burn anyway... 

I really feel like cracking today though.  I just want to cry because I don't know what is going on.  I just don't know.... 

I did come across this on facebook today and I think it was put there for me to see...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

And up we go...

Back to the doctor today for blood work.  My arm was thankful for the week break between holes gouged into it.  I still get woozy hearing my blood bubble as it fills the little vial.  I am so thankful for the technician who does my blood work, Lisa, she is amazing.

Over the last week, I've been waiting and waiting for my symptoms to go away.  They haven't.  I'm still eating a ton, peeing all the time, almost once an hour, morning nausea, and enlarged and sore breasts.  Ugh.  But the doctor said that she didn't think the HCG would be out of my system at this point, but it should have decreased.

About 3:30 this afternoon I talk to Chanelle, one of the awesome nurses from the office.  My levels have gone up, not down.  They are up to 154.  Not a good thing at 7 1/2 weeks into a miscarrying pregnancy.

It isn't unusual for your levels to go up a little bit before they drop off, but this is not common at all.  

So back to the doctor tomorrow morning at 8 for an ultrasound, again.  They are getting really worried that this is an ectopic pregnancy and that they can't find it.  I am scared because I don't want to lose a tube or ovary or have any serious damage. 

The plan is to probably do an injection of this chemo medicine called methotrexate.  From what I understand this causes the rapid cell growth to cease, forcing any growing tissue associated with the pregnancy (fetal or placental) to stop growing.  Your body will then get rid of the tissue.

The biggest draw back of this, we couldn't try to get pregnant for at least 3 months.  It takes about that long for the medicine to work its way out of your system.  If you were to get pregnant with this still in your system, you could lose the baby or have a baby with severe birth defects. 

There is one final possibility that I am going to bring up to the doctor.  It is possible that I have gotten pregnant in the last few weeks.  We did start the medicine to stimulate follicles and we were less than 48 hours away from triggering.  Brad and I have 'mated' during this time.  I would hate to take the medicine and lose a baby we didn't know was there.

I guess I'll know more tomorrow.  I'm scared because I yet again don't know what our future holds.  I hope something good, the bad is starting to really wear on me....

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Levels are dropping

Sorry I haven't posted for a little bit.  I've been busy and in an odd mental state.

I went on Thursday for more blood work.  My HCG levels are going down.  They were 73 on Thursday.  I go back this coming Thursday for a follow up.  It is a miscarriage.

I'm sad that we've lost another baby.  As weird as it may sound, I'm not as devastated as I have been before.  I guess part of it could be the fact that I didn't have the happy times of a positive pee stick test, the waiting and build up of raising HCG levels, ultrasounds to see my baby, etc....  The fact that I was pregnant was kind of shocking since I had been bleeding for so long and then my levels being so low when we did find out, those things kept me from getting too 'excited'. 

So now I wait for my levels to get below 5 so we can start again.  They don't expect them to be that low on Thursday, but they may be.  I am thinking within two weeks my levels should be back down.  Once they are, we start the shots again.

Some of the symptoms I've had are going away.  I'm not feeling nauseous anymore, my pants are fitting better, and the food aversions are going away.  My breasts are still very sore and enlarged and my fingers are still swollen.  I know since these symptoms are going away, my levels are going down. 

Things will eventually work for us.  Its just going to take some persistence and faith in ourselves.  We've worked at this actively for 10 years now, its going to happen. 

My posts will be scarce over the next week or so while my levels are dropping.  There just isn't much to report on.  Emotions will be a little crazy while my hormones straighten themselves out. 

Until I type again....

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Another Day, another Dr's visit

Yesterday I went back for more blood work. My levels are still rising.  They are up to 89.  Obviously not doubling like they would in a normal pregnancy, but not dropping either.

When the nurse, Lynn, called me yesterday to give me my results, she asked if I had any pains on either side.  No, I hadn't, just the normal poking and twinging from my ovaries.  So, of course, about an hour and a half later, while sitting at my desk at work, I have this weird pop in my side.  It felt  like when your knuckles crack, it felt like that only in the area of my ovary.  I had some strange pains off an on for about an hour then they stopped.  Now they are only coming when I have to go to the bathroom.  I had called the doctor last night and left a voicemail about it.  They called me back this morning and told me to come in so they could check things out.

I get to the doctor around 9 this morning.  They got me right in and Dr. James checked things.  I have a huge cyst on my left ovary.  She suspects this is the corpus leuteum.  This is the cyst that forms from the follicle that your egg pops out of.  It produces progesterone until there is a fully functioning placenta.  The other possibility is that it is a cyst that formed from the follicles that were responding to the injections we stopped.

They checked my tubes and there is nothing showing there.  They checked my ovaries and nothing unusual there.  They checked my uterus and nothing there.  My lining is still looking amazing.  With my HCG levels being as low as they are, she wasn't surprised we didn't see anything.  Usually your numbers have to be above 2000 for anything to show up.

I should be 6 weeks and 1 day today.  Dr. James said its almost like I'm at 4 weeks instead.  She said she isn't giving up on this yet.  Because my numbers are still going up, she believes something is going on.  Things could turn out to be a healthy pregnancy.  Or it could end up being a miscarriage.  We just aren't able to tell what is going on and she doesn't want to give up.  So we have a slim chance for a happy bundle of joy, but there is a chance.

I'm trying to not get too excited though, because the reality is that it is much more likely that we'll lose this baby than it is that we'll keep them.

Monday, April 23, 2012

And we are still waiting

I called the doctor this morning, I go back tomorrow at 10 am for more blood-work.  According to the doctor, she does still think I'm miscarrying, but she isn't ready to give up on this one yet.  She wants to see how things are tomorrow.

I hate having the pregnancy symptoms.  I am pregnant, but classified as miscarrying.  So this means I get to experience all of the not so fun parts of being pregnant, and not getting the 'reward' in the end.  Brushing my teeth this morning, I threw up.  My breasts are so freaking huge and sore right now.  I'm having food cravings and I can't seem to get full.

However, I'm also having some bad cramps that started about two hours ago.  I'm also starting to have some actual bleeding.  I have a feeling the worse part is starting.  What you may or may not know about a miscarriage is that you actually go through labor.  Obviously, its not as bad as if you were full term because you aren't going to be pushing out an 8 pound baby and your insides aren't stretched out.  But you still have contractions.  These can be so strong they stop you in your tracks.  In the past, when I've had this, I've ran to the bathroom because it usually means a large amount of blood and/or tissue is going to be passed in about 3-5 minutes.  The bleeding can get so heavy you can hardly go 30 minutes without changing a pad.  That in turn means you have to keep dehydrated and up your intake of protein.  And this can go on for a week.

I am not looking forward to going through all of that.  If I am losing or have truly lost my dear little baby Bean, I hope its done and over with, without all of the pain.  Physical pain I should say.  The mental pain seems to never end.  I still mourn the loss of all of my babies, even the one I lost 11 years ago April 15th.

I guess we'll see what the doctor finds out tomorrow.  If my levels are still increasing, then I'll probably have an ultrasound to see what is going on.  If I've lost this little one, I hope my levels go back to zero quickly so we can give it another try.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not sure what to say today

So, I haven't posted for a couple of days.  I've taken the time to heal an be with some dear friends.  Thank you to all of you who have reached out, given your love and support, shown up to hang with me, and give me hugs.  I know so many amazing people, I can't even express how much I appreciate each of you!

I went for blood work yesterday and the results aren't helping things.  On Thursday my HCG level was 48, I believe.  Yesterday it was 56.  It should not be going up still.  Almost two weeks of bleeding, my HCG should not be going up.  The doctor still believes this is not a viable pregnancy, but just isn't sure what is going on.  She said once my levels are back to zero, we'll be starting another round of shots.  But we don't know when my levels will be back at zero.  I have to call her back tomorrow morning to set up my time to have more blood work.  If the levels are still going up, there will be a lot more tests and a lot more questions.

A general rule on HCG is that at 6 weeks, your levels should be at least 1000.  Mine are obviously not that high.  I have been bleeding for two weeks.  I am having so many pregnancy 'symptom's still.  My heart hurts every time I experience one of them. 

I just want my body to make up its mind.  If this truly is a miscarriage, which I 99.9% believe is, then I want it to just be done and over with so we can get started again.  I am ready to get another round of shots going.  There is a greater chance of me getting pregnant after a pregnancy, even if it ended in miscarriage. 

Please please please keep the prayers and positive energies coming.  Hubby and I appreciate them.  If it weren't for the support, I couldn't be doing this blog or these treatments.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Cycle Day doesn't F-ing matter

I am confused, irritated, and sad today.  I am having yet another miscarriage. 

I was right last cycle, I was pregnant.  However, with my period starting, we didn't do a blood or urine test.  So, my period was doing its thing, and I thought it was done on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I had some spotting and the spotting continued until last night when I passed a larger glob of bloody mucus.  Then the bleeding started again.  At the doctor's this morning, I said something to Dr. James about it.  She checked everything.  My right ovary hasn't done anything.  My left ovary had 3 follicles getting bigger.  My uterin lining looked great.  I have cysts on my cervix that sometimes bleed, so she checked that, nothing.  She decided to check my HCG level just to see. 

At 3:30 this afternoon, my favorite nurse, Val, called me with the news.  She was like, Um, I have some weird news and I don't know how to tell you.  I said, well, I think I might know what you are going to tell me.  Yep, my HCG came back at 48.  I am technically pregnant.  However, with all the bleeding and the fact I would be 5 1/2 weeks and my hcg is that low, that isn't good.  It should be a minimum of around 200.  I am miscarrying from what we can tell.  I go back on Saturday morning for blood work to see what the HCG levels are.  It would be a far reaching miracle for this to be a viable pregnancy.  So, we are hoping the levels are dropping.  If they aren't and are hanging out at the same level, we may have a bigger issue.  This can cause cancerous growths in the uterus.  The next week or so is going to be full of doctor's appointments. 

My shots have stopped, we can't do them again until after my HCG levels are back at zero.

I am mad, mad that this happened again.  I'm sad that I've lost another baby.  I'm confused because I don't know what is going on with my body.  Why can't I carry a baby.  What is wrong with me???  My heart is broken.  In my heart I knew that I was pregnant and suspected when my period started that this is what was happening.  Now I know and I'm crushed.

I don't know what our future holds as far as our journey goes.  I don't know if Dr. James will want to go to IVF or if we'll be able to go a few more rounds on injections.  We got our dollar amount on IVF today.  It'll be around $10k.  I have no idea how we would do it.  Hubby is already talking about finding another job to help with it. 

Its not fair.  Its just not fair.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Cycle Day 9

So, there was a question from yesterday's blog that I think I should answer.

What is Leiden Factor 5?

Leiden Factor 5 is a genetic blood disorder.  It causes blood clots.  You can inherit one or two copies.  I have only one.  Having only one copy increases my chance for a blood clot from a person without it 10 fold.  If you have two copies, it can increase your chances to 80 times a person without it!  So, while it sucks that I have it, it could be much worse!  Factor 5 as it is commonly called appears in about 5% of Caucasians in the US.  It is hardly seen in any other race.  It is nearly non-existence in the Asian population.

This does run in my family, so I wasn't too terribly surprised when I found out I had it.  Daily maintenance is fairly simple for me.  I take 1 baby aspirin daily.  I'll have to at least take this for the rest of my life, until I have to go on a blood thinner, which is almost guaranteed that I will have to take one.  Now, since I've been taking one for almost two years, when I get cut, I bleed a bit more.  In the past, when I'd get cut, I didn't bleed all that much.  I've always been quick to scab up from a cut or scrape.  Not anymore!

Having Factor 5 increases your chances for miscarriage because of blood clots.  The clots can go to the placenta and block blood flow to the baby.  These usually happen later in the 1st or early in the 2nd trimester.  We have no proof that this has caused a miscarriage for me.  The most recent miscarriage, we were able to determine the baby had a chromosomal defect.  However, the miscarriage I had before then, we weren't able to confirm anything, so it is a slim possibility that a blood clot was the cause.  We say slim because the baby never made it past 5 1/2 weeks so there was no placenta yet to have a blood clot block blood flow to.

Because of my history of miscarriages and the risk the Factor 5 carries, Dr. James would like for me to start on a blood thinner when I do get pregnant.  I would be taking Lovenox.  This is one of the only blood thinners approved to take during pregnancy.  There are risks from the blood thinner, like if I had an accident while on it, I could bleed to death.  For me though, the risks for that sort of thing are less than the risk of a blood clot. 

Tomorrow I go back for my ultrasound to check my follicles.  I'm nervous, I hope we have some good ones!  I am keeping positive happy thoughts this cycle.  I hope we trigger on Saturday!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Cycle Day 8-Planning

Well, today was our consultation with Dr. James.  I would say it went well.  We discussed several concerns and Dr. James shared her personal struggle with infertility with us.

As I have said before, I love my doctor.  She is an amazing person.  I now know why she is so compassionate towards her patients.  She is one herself.  We found out that she has endometreosis and low quality eggs.  She is pregnant with twin girls, due in July.  These miracles from from donor eggs.  While she is treating me, and others like me, she is going through the pain and stress of trying to conceive.  It was an awesome experience to have her share that with us.

Our consultation was nice.  I was a little discouraged though when Dr. James said she thinks our case has been a case of bad luck.  She isn't ready to give up on the injections yet.  We are going to go another couple of rounds before seriously discussing IVF.  We know that I can get pregnant and we know the miscarriages have been from genetic defects.  It was nothing my body caused.  She does want me to start on a blood thinner though when I get pregnant again.  Because of my Leiden factor 5 issue, a blood clot could cause a miscarriage later in a pregnancy. 

There is a possibility before we do IVF, if we have to do IVF, that I'll have to have an exploratory surgery.  It would be laproscopic, but still, eek!  They would go in under my belly button and see if there may be anything wrong.  Dr. James doesn't think I'll have to have the surgery, but there is a very real possibility that I will.  It would be out patient and I'd only be off of work for a few days.

We also discussed that possibility that there is something wrong with my eggs.  She doesn't believe that to be the case, but we wouldn't know for certain until we do IVF.  In the case that I have 'bad eggs', we could use a donor.  There are a few options for this.  We could use a donor that is part of the pool that Dr. James uses or we could go through a private agency, much like an adoption agency.  The difference is, $4,000 with Dr. James or $10,000 for a private agency.  This is on top of the cost of IVF.

IVF, without insurance would run about $13,000 for us.  We are waiting on a call from the woman at the Dr's office who will run all the figures with our insurance.  Brad and I were doing a few rough estimates on what we know our insurance covers, like medicines and such, it would probably be like $4,000 less.  After we talk with her on the cost, we'll have a better idea of what we can do.

We are pretty certain, we'd give IVF a try if we can get the money.  We have been trying to think of the different ways we can come up with it.  There is the option of taking on second jobs.  We can finance it, but ugh.... 

I feel pretty positive about today.  Dr. James thinks we have a great chance of getting pregnant without IVF.  About a 20% chance each cycle.  But with IVF, she said she'd put our chances between 50% and 70%. 

My shots are going well.  No bleeding today from them.  I can't wait to go back to the doctor on Thursday to see how many follicles are there and when we'll trigger!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Cycle Day 7

My left ovary has been very sore today.  Its definitely doing something!  Dr. James confirmed it this morning at my appointment.  I have several follicles responding on my left ovary, but two of them are a little bigger than the others.  My right ovary has two follicles that are doing their thing.  I expect to have 4 eggs when we trigger.  Thank makes me happy!

Ugh, last night when we did my shot, it was a two poke night, I bled.  Today, I have the nastiest bruise!  Its a gross blue color and is about the size of a half dollar.  I hate how ugly it makes my legs look. 

I've been pretty grumpy today too.  I can tell my hormones are going nuts.  My period is still going on, just enough to be a pain, and then I've got the hormones from the injections.  My brain is going in 50 different directions today, and 46 of them seem to be in unhappy places!  I am looking forward to dinner tonight though.  I've been so hungry today. 

I've lost about 10 pounds in the last couple of months, and I'm afraid I've gained it all back today!  I feel like I've not eaten anything, but I've been eating stuff all day. 

I go back to the doctor on Thursday to double check my follicles, but we go tomorrow afternoon for our consultation.  We are going to discuss IVF.  I hope we don't have to go that route, but at least we'll have discussed it.

Keep the prayers and positive baby energies coming our way.  They help.  Even though we don't have a baby to hold yet to show for them, they are getting us through every day!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cycle days 5&6

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see how many follicles are growing.  I'm excited about it.  I hope for some good eggs this go around.

We did my shot for tonight just a bit ago.  It was a double shot night, which I hate.  Tonight was worse, because it burned really bad.  I bled a lot too.  I have two band-aids on my leg, and they burn.  I'm allergic to the sticky on band-aids.  I will have to take them off soon so I don't get hives!

Whenever I bleed, I'm always afraid the medicine is coming out.  I don't want to lose the medicine!  Sure, it sounds silly, but this medicine has to be done every 24 hours, within a two hour window.  I don't know how exact the dosage has to be, so what happens if some of it leaks out?! 

I am in good spirits right now.  Last night I spent time with some good friends.  It was nice to just hang out and be silly.  I did end up having a couple of drinks last night, so that helped me loosen up! 

I hope to have some high numbers at the doctor tomorrow.  I don't want to have to up my dosage!  We'll see, but I believe that we'll be inseminating on Sunday!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Cycle Day 4

Today was the second day of injections.  They didn't burn so much today.  I didn't bleed either.  The metallic taste hit me pretty quickly and strongly today. 

I was in a really good mood today, still am.  I have a renewed sense of hope.  I honestly haven't felt his hopeful in a long time.  I know we can do this, I know we have the strength to get through all of these obstacles.  My friends have reached out and given me so much strength and support that I feel like I could do anything!

I go back to the doctor on Monday for my follow up.  I'm curious if we'll trigger at the same time this cycle as we did last cycle.  I started on a Tuesday last cycle and I started on Tuesday this cycle.  So, if we do, that means next weekend I'll be getting basted! 

On Tuesday, we go back to the doctor, hubby and I together, for a consultation with the doctor.  I'm not as nervous about it as I once was.  I am always so afraid of going and getting bad news.  But Hubby pointed out, this is our journey, we get to make the final call, not the doctor.  If we feel that we can do this with the injections, we'll keep doing them.  We've managed to get pregnant twice on them.  I hope the third time is the charm!

I'm keeping it short tonight.  Hubby and I are enjoying a relaxing evening together.  I even enjoyed a glass of wine tonight.  I can squeeze one in right now, before trigger!  So I did. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Cycle Day 3-What a surprise

I want to say Thank You again to all of the amazing people in my life. 

I came home today to a huge surprise.  I'm pulling into the house and see my big white box of follistim from the pharmacy sitting on the porch.  Then on my garage door I see a delivery tag stuck to it.  I was thing WTF?  I pull it off the door and its a tag from a local florist that says your package has been delivered to the back door.  Sitting on my back step is a huge box with a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers inside.  At this point, I'm confused as can be.  I finally find the tag and am blown away.  It says "I hope you have a great day".  It was from a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years!  I just sat down in my kitchen and cried. 

On my table are two packages that mean so much to me.  One, a beautiful gesture of love and care.  The other, vials that have the power to bring me the one thing I want more than anything in the world.  I am at a loss for words at this point. 

I want to tell my friend, if you are reading this, you made my week!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

So, I finally get the flowers in a vase and my follistim in the fridge.  I'm back to a more stable feeling.  Happy and still shocked. 

I had my first injection tonight of this round.  It doesn't matter how many times I have them, the first night I still get worked up.  I fight off a panic attack as Hubby is getting my shot ready.  Tonight, my dog must have noticed I was scared.  She laid beside me on the bed and licked my hand while the needle when in.  Then, while we were counting to 10, she laid on my chest and gave me kisses.  She is so sweet and knows when I'm upset.  She is actually glued to my lap tonight, so I'm twisted on the couch trying to type this and keep my computer off of her. 

My dose tonight was 100.  It burned a lot tonight, but I think part of it was it didn't have a lot of time to warm up.  Ouchie!

Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of days ago.  So many friends have reached out to me, giving me hope.  They've shared their stories and have offered so much.  I really can't thank all of you enough. 

Tonight, I'm going to veg out on the couch with my puppy dog and hubby and just relax.  I need to remember that through all of this, RELAX!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Cycle Day 2-Its better today.

So, this song made me cry today.  Its called “Heaven (Little by Little)” by Theory of a Deadman.  I NEVER would have expected a song by them would make me cry.  There is a part in the song that goes “The fact that you keep trying is what sets you apart”.  That hit me like a truck this afternoon.

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  I’ve been hormonal and emotional.  My gut sank yesterday when the doctor told me she wanted to have a consultation with us about our fertility plans.  The next step is obviously IVF.  I know I can’t afford that so I felt like we were close to the end of trying.  But, I went in this morning for my baseline scan, everything is ok and we start on shots tomorrow, and the doctor said that she wants to go over my entire chart together and have an open discussion about IVF.  She isn’t saying we have to do IVF, but wants to go over the costs and details so we can make the choice of going on to IVF or going longer on the shots.  She said with me having been able to get pregnant twice on the shots, she knows it can work for us, its just a matter of how long do we go through with it.  It is going to be a hard discussion to have, but I think its needed. 

My baseline went well and we start the shots tomorrow.  Keeping the dose at 100, Dr. James thinks that is a great level for me.  So we’ll see how it goes.  I’m having a terrible period.  Heavy heavy bleeding, a lot of clotting, and some of the worse cramps I can remember having in a while.  My blood sugar has been wonky because of the bleeding, so I’ve felt like crap. 

I did want to say THANK YOU! to those of you who have reached out to me.  The words of encouragement and support have helped greatly.  I heard from someone last night that I was not expecting to have heard from.  She is an amazing person who has faced death and said “No not me!” and has gone on to become a wife and mother, something that 15+ years ago few would have thought possible.  She has overcome more than I’ve ever been faced with and is such a bright and happy person.  If she can do that, I know I CAN accept the challenges I’ve been given and NEVER give up.  Inspiration and the Divine come to you when you need it most, you just have to want to see it.

So on that note, I’m leaving you with the lyrics to the song that stopped me today. 

Now don't you be afraid
We can always talk about
No need to medicate
Cuz I know you're strong without it
You got me through the days
When I thought I couldn't face it
Let me count the ways
The love we have you can't replace it

Just hold on, I'm not that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Now you're far away
And I'm alone to cry about it
It's not a better place
When you die and leave me here to say

Hold on, I was never that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

You'll get stronger
If you need me, I'm not far away
So, just hold on
I'll help you find the way
I'll help you find the way

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Little by little, day by day

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cycle Day 1-We start again

Well, as you can see from the title, its cycle day 1 again. 

My period started with force over night.  Ugh....  This is a very painful and heavy period.  A lot of clotting and cramping.

I called my doctor today.  I go in first thing in the morning for a baseline scan.  However, I have to make an appointment for a consultation with Dr. James to discuss our future.  They usually allow 3 cycles on one step before moving on.  I've had 4 unsuccessful rounds on the follistim. 

I'm scared because I know the next step is IVF.  IVF is also very expensive.  $10,000-$15,000 a cycle.  And there is still no guarantee. 

Bottom line is, I can't afford that!  I'm scared because I'm afraid we are approaching the end of our road on this journey and its not the destination I had planned.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 27

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it!

I'm not in a great mental state today.  I'm worried.  I'm still spotting.  Its dark, no fresh blood, but its still coming.  Its only when I wipe and it is mixed in my mucus, but I'm worried.

I'm so afraid that I'm not pregnant.  I'll have to do this all over again.  Another month of disappointment....

The only thing that is keeping me somewhat positive is the fact that I'm having no symptoms of a period coming.  No cramps, no real moodiness, just nothing that points to it, other than the spotting.

I'm still having the belly button pinching, the ovary pains, the sore breasts. 

I just don't know what to think, and my heart hurts....

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Cycle Day 25 and some of Day 26-sorry its late!

I'm sorry my post for cycle day 25 is coming the morning after.  I went out with my friend last night and didn't get home until late!  But it was fun and needed!

Yesterday was kind of a weird day.  I was so tired, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through work without falling asleep.  I came home and took a nap before going out! 

Mentally, I was so not with it.  I felt spacey.  My brain certainly was not on work and not on anything important.  I know I use this term a lot, but I felt wonky.

Physically, my breasts still hurt.  The ovary pains come and go.  I'm so nauseous, feeling like I've just been spun around 50 times!  The thought of anything sweet makes me want to hurl.

However, I have one thing that has started that I'm a little concerned about.  Last night when I went to the bathroom, there was some dark brown spotting on the paper.  This could be from a couple of things.  I could be implantation bleeding.  I know from the fact it was brown that it was older blood, could have been up to 4 days old.  It takes a while for it to all clear your body, especially when its in small amounts.  There wasn't a lot, just some brownish colored mucus.  This seems pretty typical of implantation bleeding.  Brownish mucus that can last for a week, but never a flow like your period. 

I could be from the progesterone suppositories.  They can dry the vaginal canal and irritate the cervix and cause some bleeding.  I have issues with cysts on my cervix anyway, and they bleed a little bit if they are irritated.  Come to think of it, that is almost exactly what the spotting looks like.  When I've irritated or popped one of the cysts.  Not much blood, just enough to stain your mucus....  hmmmm....

But, it could be pre-period spotting....  If that is the case, this round didn't work and no baby for us yet.

I'm trying not to think about it too much, but I didn't sleep the greatest last night.

I get up this morning and go pee, there is nothing on the paper.  An hour later when I went pee again, there was some spotting.  I just peed again about 15 minutes ago and there was hardly anything noticeable on the paper. 

It has my mind in an uproar because I feel so sure that this is the cycle.  This is the month its going to work, but what if it didn't?  I know the reality of it is that it may not have worked and we'll do this all again.  Mentally though, I'll be a train wreck.  An absolute ball of crazy for a few days.

I'm scared and worried and just feeling like I want to cry.  Instead, I think I'm going to take a nap and maybe it'll go away.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Cycle Day 24

Not much to say today I guess.

I'm freaking tired.  I made it so far without a nap.  I don't know how much longer I'm going to be awake though!

I've peed a ton today.  10 times today, easily.  I'm also drinking a lot more.  I had drank 4 16oz glasses of water at work today, that is twice my normal.  I've drank quite a bit more water since I got home too!

I'm in a much better state of mind today though.  I really am hoping I'm pregnant, but you know what, if I'm not, we'll do this again.  If I am, we'll pray that our baby grows happy and healthy! 

Oh, my pants, I couldn't button them this morning.  I wore an identical pair on Monday and they buttoned just fine.  Tried to button the pair I put on this morning and couldn't.  I zipped them just fine, but the button was like an inch away from closing.  Out came the rubber band!

No egg roll cravings today.  Sweet things have sounded terrible to me.  We were talking about ice cream at work, and I just said, "I want nachos".  Nachos sound amazing.  I want strong flavors and spicy flavors.

My ovaries have been poking at me a lot today.  This evening, I've gotten the belly button pinching.  I have no idea what is causing the pinching.  I've read that it could be from your uterus expanding.  I know that it would seem early for your uterus to be growing, but it actually starts growing as soon as conception starts.  There is so much growing and prepping that your body has to do, I'm surprised there aren't more aches and pains!

Well, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.  I'm so tired.  Only 5 more sleeps until I get to pee on a stick!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Cycle Day 23-Egg Rolls!

Today I had a terrible craving for egg rolls.  Thanks to my friends who went with me for chinese for lunch.  It hit the spot.  However, afterwards I felt like crap! 

I've been nauseous off and on today.  Its comparable to motion sickness.  I don't feel like I could throw up, I just don't feel comfortable.

My right ovary has been doing its thing.  It lets me know it there, just when I start to think I've stopped feeling it, it kicks me in the side again.  I've had the belly button pinching a couple times today.

I've been constipated.  Yuck.  I hate it when things slow down.  Its very uncomfortable. 

I'm so tired, I wanted to take a nap at work today.  I've been having the weirdest dreams at night, so my sleep just hasn't been restful.  Last night I had a dream that I got contact lenses and was having a hard time putting them in.  These were made to wrap all the way around your eyeball!

I've been peeing more than I normally do.  I think I've peed 6 or 7 times.  In a normal day, I pee maybe 4 times, if that...

I'll be honest though, even with all of these symptoms, I'm not sure that I am pregnant.  I am kind of in that mental state of denial.  At least I think I am.  I kind of feel like this is never going to happen.  Like I'm just not meant to have a child.  I don't know where the depressed feelings have come from all of a sudden.  I've been feeling so positive until today.  Today, I just feel like nothing is going to happen....  I guess we'll see how my state of mind is tomorrow....

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cycle Day 22-Queasy

Ugh, the queasiness has started.  It hit about 15 minutes after lunch.  I started burping and my stomach just felt uneasy.  It has come and gone.  I've never felt like I could throw up, just kind of that nervous fluttering you get on a hilly car ride. 

Last night, I was woken up twice by my right ovary screaming at me.  I haven't been woken up by my ovaries before, this was new!  I woke up feeling more tired than I did when I went to bed.  I've been super sleepy all day, but not really to the point I feel like I could pass out.  I certainly could go to bed for the night right this moment, but I don't feel like I can't stay awake.  I'm close, but not quite to that point.

My breasts are very tender.  I have a few larger veins on the tops of my breasts that I can see have gotten much more blue.  Hubby says he thinks my nipples are even darker and that my breasts are fuller. 

I'm peeing a whole lot more.  And drinking more too I think.  For all the peeing I'm doing, I'm surprisingly swollen.  My fingers look like sausages!  My belly still is bloated too.  I am keeping my buttons undone on my pants.

I've been doing some more thinking about taking my test too.  I think I am going to stick it out and test on Tuesday, so that means one more week!  The reason I've decided to wait is in case of a chemical pregnancy.  This is what happens when you conceive, but there is something wrong and the pregnancy terminates itself naturally.  You have a period, maybe a day late, but 99% of the time, you never know  you are pregnant.  Waiting the extra two days can help to rule that out.  There is no saying by waiting two days that it will guarantee you won't lose your baby, but it can save you some mental anguish. 

I am wearing every day my necklace that Hubby gave me.  It is a moonstone and it is for fertility.  I'm also carrying a prayer bag of crystals from my best friend, every single day.  I do believe the energy they've put into these items will help!  Prayer, to what ever Deity you believe in and energies sent out, they do make a difference!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Cycle Day 21

And so the psycho moments begin....

I've felt very very unstable today.  I go from happy thoughts about the possibility of being pregnant to freaking out about how I'll handle it if I'm not.  A good friend told me to just chill out.  LOL  I tried.  I'm feeling a bit more stable, but no quite my 'normal' self.  I've felt wonky all day though.  Something feels off.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, things aren't 'normal'. 

I'm not having the belly button pinching anymore, but my ovaries are still occasionally reminding me they are still there!  It sometimes will take my breath away!  My breasts are more tender today and Hubby swears the areola and nipples are darker.  I guess he'd know better than me, I don't spend that much time staring at my breasts!  I'm feeling more tired too.  And good lord am I eating!  I feel like I'm just never full.  My sense of smell seems to be picking up too.  I kept smelling cigar smoke during lunch today.  I also thought I smelled egg rolls, but I couldn't find them.  Boy did they smell good too!  I wanted an egg roll after that!

This afternoon, I was talking to Hubby about some of my fears.  One of them is having twins.  I wouldn't even necessarily call it a fear, but maybe more of a thought.  I wouldn't mind twins.  It would solve one problem of me wanting more than one child and not wanting to go through fertility treatments all over again.  Anyway, I was having a moment and asked Hubby OMG, what if we have twins, what are we going to do?  His response :well if it happens, it happens.  Nothing we can do but love them all.

It made me smile.  Its just another reason why I love him.  He can talk me down out of a panic in just one statement.  It isn't going to matter to him what the outcome is, he is going to love me and our children anyway.

I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to test on Sunday or wait the extra two days....


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Cycle Day 20

This morning, my day was busy, busy, busy, this afternoon, I slept!  I ended up sleeping for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon.  I was so tired.  I still feel really sleepy.

I'm getting the belly button pinching this evening.  It didn't start yesterday until the afternoon, and I was cleaning until around 3:30, not paying any attention to my body.  I fell asleep at 3:30 and I haven't felt anything other than heartburn when I've been sleeping.  This evening, when I got up off of the couch, my ovaries had some pain in them.  Then, while cooking dinner, the belly button pinching started.  I'm still having some slight cramping in my uterus and around that area.

I've been drinking a lot more than usual.  I've been peeing more too, but I'm not surprised since I'm drinking more.  However, my pee has become neon yellow.  The only different medicine I'm taking is the progesterone suppositories, and I don't remember them ever making my pee so bright in the past! 

I've been craving salt.  Dill pickles have tasted great, but they are salty.  Last night, we didn't eat dinner until almost 10pm, and we did a fend for yourself night.  Hubby made himself chicken sandwiches.  I made ramen noodles.  I had a bowl of chicken ramen, ate it then promptly went and made a bowl of the oriental flavored ramen.  It tasted so good.  However, it killed my stomach!  Ugh!  No slow potty this morning!

I'm curious how this next week will go, as far as symptoms.  If I am pregnant, nausea will probably set in later in the week, if things follow a similar pattern.  My breasts are tender, but not to the point of hurting.  Hubby says my nipples have darkened (sorry if its TMI, but its a sign of pregnancy) and I've developed little bumpies around the edge of my areola.  I guess these are glands that become prominent in some pregnant women.  It happened in my last two pregnancies.

I'm so nervous about testing because I want to be pregnant so bad.  I want it to be positive.  I just don't know if I am.  I've got a week before I can test.  Then if I am pregnant, its a 9 month or so wait to see if the baby gets here happy and healthy!  And oh lord, what if there are more than one in there?!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Cycle Day 19-Ouchie belly button!

Woo boy....  My belly button area feels strange!  Just under my belly button, maybe a half an inch to the left, I am having this strange pinching pulling feeling.  It started this afternoon while we were heading to Cici's for lunch.  Just BAM, there it was.  I thought maybe my pants were sitting strangely or digging in, but they weren't.  Its been coming off and on all day.  I still have some slight burning in my uterus, but not as much today.  My right ovary is still painful.  Out of nowhere it will start aching.  I wish I could fully explain how it all feels!

I've been looking around online to see if I can get any explanation of the pinching under the belly button.  The only thing I've found isn't helping my mental state, everything I've found is that it is a common early sign of pregnancy.  Eek!  I hope!  LOL  How can you not start to get excited???

I'm trying to fill the hubby in on all the symptoms or weird things I've been feeling.  After telling him about the pinchy belly button, he laughed and said that he doesn't remember all of these things in the past pregnancies.  We are both holding all of them as positive signs. 

I bought a jar of dill pickles today and ate some as soon as I got home.  They tasted so wonderful.  I've been wanting some strong flavors the last day or so.  We had Cici's for lunch because I wanted a variety of flavors.  I had a little of almost every pizza they had, a salad, and cinnamon rolls and enjoyed every bite!

Here is a scary thought I've had.  With the intensity of these feelings, could it be more than one if I am pregnant???

I also have a decision to make about testing.  The doctor who did my insemination (IUI) says you can test 2 weeks after the IUI procedure, which would be a week from tomorrow.  However, my normal doctor, Dr. James, she says 2 weeks 2 days post IUI.  Should I breakdown and test next Sunday or wait the extra two days?

My brain is working over time today and I wish it wasn't.  I don't want to be let down....

Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 18-Changes!

Today has been a rough day.  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I have this soreness in my lower belly, by my uterus/bladder area, that feels like I’ve been doing sit ups all night.  Other than that I felt fine, nothing different.  Hubby and I talked in the bathroom while we were both getting ready for work.  It was a nice moment of closeness we shared because we are both going through this and it is sharing how each other feel.  We mostly just talked about how I’m feeling and if I have noticed any symptoms yet.  I am 5 days past ovulation date.  Symptoms could start showing up any day now.  This morning, I had nothing to really report other than the sore belly and a slowing down of my potty abilities….  Not constipation, but slower.

This afternoon however, ugh.  My tummy is still sore.   I have this stabbing pain around my right ovary whenever I move and off and on when I’m just sitting.  There are times it almost takes my breath away.  I think it may be the corpeus lutium.  I think it is setting up shop!  I’m having some strange spasm feelings in my cervix and my cervical mucus is getting to be this thinner white consistency.  My pants have apparently shrank during the late morning, early afternoon because I had to unbutton them and they are now being held closed with a rubber band.  I’ve eaten pretty much anything and everything I’ve laid eyes on and am still starving!  I’ve drank several glasses of water and still feel thirsty, which has led to more peeing.  There have been several times this afternoon I’ve had to fight to keep from laying down and sleeping. 

At first, its easy to get excited about these symptoms.  But remember, I’m on progesterone suppositories, so it could just be from them.  Or, it could be early pregnancy symptoms.  Its so heart wrenching to feel these things and not know.  I’m getting excited from feeling them, but I’m so afraid of the potential let down that could be coming in a week and a half.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Days 16 & 17

Sorry for skipping another day.  We went to the hockey game last night.  It was a late game, but it was ok because the Jackets tromped Detroit!  Being hormonal at the game made me cheer even harder, so I guess there are some perks to those stupid little white suppositories!

I am feeling a little hormonal, but not terrible.  I’ve been a bit whiney and a bit short tempered.  Hubby called me out on it last night after talking to me on my drive home and I was complaining about all of the other drivers.  I just had to laugh, because I knew deep inside that I was being silly about it, but I also felt like I couldn’t stop it.  I’ve found its much better to just let it out than to hold it in when I’m feeling like this.  I do not want to recreate the ‘Great Baked Potato Incident’.  It was 7 or 8 years ago, I honestly can’t remember, but I was taking Clomid in the hopes I’d get pregnant.  Clomid is handed out pretty freely by gynos to try and get you pregnant, but they have no monitoring while you are on it so you don’t know if it is working or not.  I never got pregnant and in the trial of it with the fertility doctor, I know that I don’t respond to it, even in the highest dosage available.  All it managed to do was make me a hormonal psycho!  So, one night I was making dinner and we were going to have baked potatoes.  I put them in the toaster oven so that I didn’t have to turn the oven on.  Two hours later, the stupid things hadn’t even really started to cook.  I had never really used a toaster oven before and threw the thing out shortly after this night.  I had a meltdown.  I cried and cried and cried for 2, almost 2 ½ hours over these potatoes.  It wasn’t even so much about them as it was I was mad because I was crying and couldn’t stop.  Hubby, be the good man he is, made some French fries to go with dinner and we ate, while I was still crying.  He tried to calm me down, but no matter what he or I did, I couldn’t stop.  We now joke about it, but at the time, I was so mad at myself for acting like that and not being able to stop it.  When the fertility doctor said she wanted to start with Clomid, Hubby’s face went pale.  I knew he was remembering the Baked Potato Incident.   

Physically, I’m sore.  My insides still hurt and I have this weird twinge-y pain that comes and goes on my right hip.  Its deep, so I’m not sure if its still from my ovaries doing their thing or not.  Mentally, my mind is going 90 different directions.  Its very hard to get anything done.  I am counting down the days until I can pee on that lovely stick, all the while trying to remind myself that it may not work this round.  I don’t want to be too devastated if I only get one pink line.  I also keep thinking to myself, even if it is two pink lines, that doesn’t mean that everything is ok.  I’ve had the positive tests before and still I don’t have a baby to hold.  As I’ve said before, I am trying really hard to keep a positive mind set.  I can’t dwell on the past, but its always there, nagging me.  I know deep in my heart, until I can hold my baby in my arms, I’m going to always be waiting for the worse.  And even after the little one does get here, I’ll have a whole new set of worries.  I certainly hope I’m not prematurely aging myself with all of this worry!  Adding to my mental jumble is a coworker who is due any day now, just left work maybe 30 minutes ago to start maternity leave.  I am envious of her.  She is scared about the labor, about being a mom, and scared about all of it that goes with the grounds of being a mom.  I am jealous that she is feeling these feelings.  I want to be scared about the kind of mother I’ll be, rather than being scared of never being a mother.

In all of the hub-bub of her getting ready to have her son, it has me thinking of the future.  If this round works, we’d be due around December 17th.  A baby born around the holidays, a baby born around their daddy’s birthday….  Sometimes I feel like I’m giving myself false hope by thinking about these things.  I question if other women who’ve experienced similar struggles have done the same or am I just some nut who likes to torture herself?

Only 11 days to go until I get to pee on that expensive stick!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cycle Days 14 & 15

Sorry for no post yesterday.  I was off enjoying the day with my niece, sister in law and mother in law.  We had a day of smiles and laughs.  I needed it more than I realized.

My insides hurt.  I feel like I have a urinary tract infection in my uterus.  That is the best way to describe it.  It kind of feels like I have to pee a lot and there is tightness in the muscles around my ovaries and uterus.  I believe it is from the eggs popping out and having a tube moved around in my uterus to deposit the swimmers. 

Here is the weird thing.  In the two rounds of treatment when I got pregnant, I had this feeling, but if I didn't get those feelings, I didn't get pregnant.  I don't know if I am just crazy or if there is something to it!  Anyway, I have this feeling this time, so I'm thinking positive thoughts.

I'm trying to think positive thoughts no matter what.  Sometimes its hard.  I keep thinking of the future and what it will be like to bring our baby home.  I've had dreams and goals for the babies I've lost, so it doesn't surprise me to have dreams and goals for a baby that may not even be conceived yet. 

I'll tell you something else, sex is usually fun!  But have you ever had to have sex for several days in a row at certain times in certain positions, even if you weren't really up for it?  Do you know how much of a pain it is to have to lay in the same spot for 20 minutes afterwards when all you want to do is pee and go to sleep?!  This can take a toll on a marriage.  It starts to lose the spontaneity and excitement when you have  to do it!  I think after almost 10 years of timed sex on an almost monthly basis, we are doing well though.  There is a distinct difference in baby making sex and 'normal' romantic sex.  Thankfully!  :)

Tonight I start my progesterone vaginal suppositories.  These little white 'pills' go inside your vaginal canal at bed time. 

Progesterone is a pregnancy hormone.  My body doesn't produce quite enough of this hormone to support a healthy pregnancy.  The progesterone is produced by a cyst that forms on your ovary after ovulation.  This cyst is called a corpus luteum.  So I have to take these suppositories in the hope that I do get pregnant and my body is ready to carry the little bean.  The downside is that I will start to experience pregnancy symptoms within a few days.  Sore breasts, sleepiness, sometimes nausea, etc.  This is a bit taxing on your mental state when all you want is to get pregnant and your body is acting like its pregnant, even if you may not be! 

Another not so fun part of these, they can force your body to continue to carry a baby that will never grow.  This has happened with my last two miscarriages.  I carried my babies for a few weeks after they stopped growing.  One thing that I appreciated from that though, was the ability to have our babies tested to find out what happened.  Non-recurring chromosomal abnormalities.  These pregnancies usually end on their own before a mother even realizes she is pregnant, but because of the progesterone, your body keeps thinking nothing is wrong.

I refuse to go on anymore on this sad subject today.  I want to be happy and positive right now.  I want a happy home for a baby to settle in!  I'll check in tomorrow and let you know if I'm having a happy bunny or an angry bear kind of day!  Keep up the prayers and positive energies for us, and for any person who may be suffering from infant loss or infertility.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Cycle Day 13--Early morning basteing

6:30 came really early this morning.  But, considering we had a 7:30 drop off of Hubby's little swimmers, I had to wake up. 

As weird as it is for me to have doctors 'in my business' every few days, I can't imagine how weird it must be for hubby and his part.  He must deposit his little swimmers into a specimen cup, at a certain date and time.  The cup then rides, tucked inside a coat pocket to keep them body temp, to the doctor.  There, he passes them off to a lab tech, today a young woman, and fill out a sheet that asks things like how his sample was collected and what time.

After the drop off we have to wait an hour and a half for me to come back for my IUI.  We usually go for a nice breakfast and try not to think about what our day holds.  Today we tried a place called Mimi's Cafe, and it was really good!

Back to the doctor's office at 9:00.  My favorite nurse, Val, she gets us checked into a room and has a little vial that carries Hubby's cleaned swimmers.  To 'clean' them, they are spun out of the fluid they are in, into a sterile fluid that is hot pink in color.  On the vial they have Hubby's name, the last four digits of his social security number and my name. Val verifies Hubby's name and social, hands me my paper towel sheet and off she goes, telling us the doctor will be in shortly. 

This weekend I've been seeing Dr. Moretuzzo.  He is a soft spoken and friendly doctor.  The doctors in this practice are some of the nicest and most loving doctors I have ever encountered.  Dr. Moretuzzo comes in and gives us Hubby's numbers.  The count is 97 Million with 90% motility.  The average count is about 30 million, so these are great numbers!  Hubby watches what he eats and drinks in the days leading up to our IUI to maximize his numbers.  Seems to be working!  So, Dr. Moretuzzo inserts a speculum (that lovely device they use in our annual visits for pap smears) to open  the canal so he can see my cervix.  He then uses a catheter that is made specifically for IUI.  This is what is looks like

Its like a long straw on a syringe that injects the swimmers into my uterus.  You actually don't feel much at all, for me, I only feel a slight tickle on my cervix when it passes through.   The doctor is able to aim the catheter so that they can deposit some swimmers on a particular side, or some on both if you have eggs on both sides.  This puts them as close as possible to the eggs, ensuring more of them make it.  The doctor then takes everything back out and pulls out the foot rest on the exam table for you to rest for 10 minutes or so.  And that is it!  That is all there is to an IUI.  After your 10 minutes, off you go.

Now, for the next few days, we have to go at it on our own, just to increase our changes.  There won't be a whole lot to report on.

Physically though, I hurt.  My breasts are super super sore and my ovaries are cramping a lot.  I'm not looking forward to starting the progesterone in a couple of days. 

We now wait 2 weeks and 2 days to take a pregnancy test.  Fingers are crossed, toes are crossed, prayers are being said, and baby dances are being done!

Cycle Day 12--Sorry I'm late!

I apologize for not posting yesterday, so I'll post this morning instead.

Yesterday, I took a nap that ended up being a 4 1/2 hour long nap!  These hormone shots are knocking me for a loop.

I triggered yesterday.  This was done with an injection in my right hip.  This is probably the least painful shot in the whole process.  However, it makes the surrounding area very sore.  We ended up going to watch the Blue Jackets practice after my appointment and it was a bit uncomfortable to sit in those seats!

The good news though.  I had 3 eggs that would for sure be popped out and possibly two more that could trigger.  The one follicle measured a .24, another a .23 and another a .18.  Anything over a .16 usually triggers.  I had two more that were about .147.  If I had enough of the follistim in my body, those could release as well.  Each 24 hour period of follistim, your follicles grow about .2.  Therefore; if I had enough follistim, the two .147 could reach a .167, being big enough to trigger.

Having 3 eggs is a great amount.  On any regular cycle for a woman who has 1 egg, you have a 25% chance of getting pregnant.  You can do the math here and look at how promising 3 eggs are and how much more promising 5 eggs are!

Since its still early in the day and I have a whole day of fun ahead of me, I'll not share my morning events with you yet.  There was enough happening yesterday for one post!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Cycle Day 11-Shots in a downtown parking garage

Not a whole lot on my mind today.  I am very very sleepy and my body hurts.  I'm still trying to convince Hubby that I need to cut my breasts off.  They hurt from the inside out.  My mucus is nice and thick like it should be, but its a little ucky...

Oh, and today, I had to do my shot in a downtown parking garage.  We had a hockey game tonight and there is no place to do my shot other than the bathroom.  Hubby said that he would do my shot, but we had to do it in the car in the parking garage.  Thankfully, we were able to park in a corner where there weren't many people and there was a nice large pillar blocking anyone from seeing me with my pants around my knees!

Tomorrow, we are supposed to trigger!  My appointment is at 9:45.  Hopefully I'll be getting my injection in my hip around 10!  That means turkey basting on Sunday morning.  YAY!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Cycle Day 10-More than you realize

Well, no trigger shot today.  I go back on Saturday and will trigger then.  I'm working on a handful of eggies.  We should have a better idea on Saturday how many we are talking.  Could be just one or two pop, or it could be like 8! 

My ovaries hurt worse today than I can ever remember, and my breasts feel like they need cut off.  Mucus is nice and egg white-like, just like it should be, but ugh, yuck!  My insides hurt from the ultrasound.  My left ovary is a master hide and seek player and they have to jam the wand in as far as they can, push it to the left and then push on my belly to see it.  I feel like I've been scrambled! 

Today though, I made some connections with a couple of co-workers that I was not expecting.  I've been fairly vocal with my co-workers about what is going on, mainly so they know that when I'm bawling my eyes out for no reason, just let me be.  The one coworker, we'll call her MC, she had a tubal pregnancy two years ago and lost a fallopian tube.  She is concerned because she has not been able to get pregnant again.  Her doctor has suggested she have her tubes checked for blockage and she is scared.  She is scared of what she will find out in the test, that her one remaining tube is blocked.  And that it will be the start of her journey down the infertility treatment road.  She is not afraid of the physical pain, but of the emotional pain.  It was nice for the two of us to just talk about the emotional side of this.  If you have never been through the loss and frustration, you'll never fully understand.

Another coworker, we'll call her ML, she sent me a message that just said "someone told me I should check out your blog".  That gave me a big ol' smile.  Someone out there is reading this and believes that this could be helpful.  Anyway, I found out she too has PCOS.  We had some discussion about doctors and the joys of this disorder....  Its nice to know that you aren't the only one out there dealing with the depression, body hair, weight that won't budge... 

There are more of us than you realize!

I did something tonight that has taken me two and a half years to do. 

I finally cleaned up the baby car seat.  This has been sitting in my mom's basement since August of 2009.  Back then, we were going to adopt a beautiful baby girl.  We were there at the hospital when she was born and took care of her until it was time to go home.  About 30 minutes before we were supposed to be released, the birth mom came to us and said she changed her mind, she just couldn't let her baby girl go. 

As a woman who wants to be a mom more than anything in the world, I could never imagine going through what this mom went through.  She had made the choice to find a forever home for her baby girl, believing it was for the best.  I felt honored to be the mom picked out for this sweet angel.  Then I was absolutely crushed when she was taken away.  I believe it is best for her to be with her birth mother, as long as her birth mom loves her and cares for her.

I've never felt a crushing pain like I did that day.  I've lost four babies to miscarriage, but I've NEVER felt the pain of having her taken away.  There is a huge difference in losing a baby that you've only known on an ultrasound screen and losing a baby that you've held and loved and cared for.  Both hurt immensely but they both hurt differently. 

Needless to say, this rocked me to my core.   My mother and sister came to the rescue that day when Hubby and I stumbled home, numb.  They boxed up everything that we had purchased and took it to my mom's house.  There is has sat since that day.  This weekend though, I finally felt strong enough to start bringing stuff home.  I brought home the car seat and our boppy pillow.  After two and a half years of sitting in a basement, they needed cleaned up.  So now the seat liner and pillows are drying. 

I can not express how good it felt to be able to do that.  I believe I am truly stronger because of this experience.  My heart now feels ready to love again.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Cycle Day 9, He's back!!!

Today is cycle day 9.  There is not a whole lot to report other than the Hubby is finally home from Texas!  I'm happy he is home.  Partially because it meant I didn't have to give myself my shot today.  :)  But mostly because I missed him.

I hope today is my last injection, but I have a feeling it won't be.  One of the signs of being close to ovulation is your mucus thickens.  I know, its gross to think about.   How do you think I feel, watching my mucus levels to see when they reach egg white like consistency?  That is one of the signs that ovulation is close at hand.  Mine are thickening and increasing in volume, but I don't think its quite there.  I guess we'll see tomorrow.

My breasts are starting to get really sore and my ovaries are hurting.  Perhaps I'll get my trigger shot tomorrow.

Tune in tomorrow for an update on my trigger date!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Cycle Day 8--Shots in a public restroom

Ack, its 7:45 am and my ovaries are killing me!  These little buggers are working extra hard this month and it makes me want to cry!  The pain had been in just my right ovary, but this morning, my left ovary is 10 times worse than the right one.  I really really hope we trigger on Thursday!

Its now 2:30 in the afternoon and I’m still dealing with these ovary pains.  They are pretty bad today.  I’m also experiencing something I forgot about…leg cramps!  My hip bones and knees hurt.  Come on eggies, be ready for Thursday!  You know you want to! 

I’m dog tired today too.  With the hubby being gone, neither the dog or I sleep well.  The two of us tossed and turned and fought for blankets all night long.  At one point in time, we were laying there just looking at each other.  The look on her face was “come on morning and get here!”  Of course, me being an emotional rollercoaster, I cried and held her.  Imagine, all of your ‘normal’ emotions being intensified.  When you feel good, you are super happy, but when you are sad, you are really really sad.  Then it adds the frustration of knowing you shouldn’t be this happy or this sad in the normal course of things and you get mad.  So last night, I’m holding and petting my puppy dog crying because I miss my hubby, and then getting frustrated because I feel silly for crying when he has only been gone two nights….  And as much as I love my puppy, she isn’t very good at talking me down from the emotional freak outs. 

I know I’ve said a couple of times before that my appetite was shrinking when I was on the progesterone.  Its only getting worse.  It feels like all I can do to finish a small bit of food.  On top of that, NOTHING sounds appealing.  I’ve eaten more fish in the last couple of weeks than I’ve eaten in the last year!  It seems unreal that something like medicine to help you have a child could impact so many parts of your life.  

I'm finally back home and in bed, finishing this off.  I had to give myself my shot in the bathroom at the hockey arena tonight....  So much fun, not!  I did it though, and hopefully I've only got another one or two of these things...

Hubby comes home tomorrow!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cycle Day 7-Progress! Oh, and a video

Today is cycle day 7.  I had my doctor's appointment to check the follicle growth. 

Good news!  Big smiles from me today.

The doctor measured 4 follicles and said she wasn't going to measure another 2 or 3 because she could tell they were the same size.  She laughed and said I'm responding faster than I have in the past.  Normally, I do injections for 10-12 nights.  I go back on Thursday and I might trigger then.  If so, that will only be 8 nights.Things are looking great!  I am a little bummed though, my follow up on Thursday will not be with Dr. James, but will be with her partner, Dr. Nash.  He is a great doctor too, but he just isn't Dr. James. 

Now, lets look at the number of follicles.  You might be thinking, OMG 4, possibly 7 eggs?  Is she nuts?  I may be, but... the chances of all of those eggs becoming fertilized, implanting, and making it through to a full term baby are very very very slim!  For the average fertile couple, there is a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle.  Now, with me having fertility issues and having had 4 miscarriages, my chances are even less.  I have very good chances of having one of those eggs fertilize and implant.  My chances of it being a successful pregnancy are a bit more grim.  But, I refuse to dwell on the negative possibilities and I am focusing on all of the positive possibilities! 

On to the not so fun part of my day, INJECTIONS, dun dun dunnnnn....

I decided to record my injections tonight.  I apologize, the video is 7 minutes long, but I wanted to do this.  Its video proof for some of you out there that I can actually do this! The video probably would be shorter, but it was a double injection night.... 

I am wearing shorts in this!  I am NOT pants-less!  LOL

I want to say thank you again for taking the time to read my blog.  It means so much that so many people care.  I also hope this helps someone who may be going through this!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cycle Day 6-By myself?

This morning I dropped my Hubby off at the airport.  He is off to Houston for 3 nights for a conference.  I'm going to miss him, I always do when he travels.  I can already tell, I'm going to have a hard time this time.  My hormones are all jacked up and I'm feeling hyper emotional.

I'll spend my afternoon at my sister's house, with my mom and my mom in law.  So I'll be surrounded by family and won't really be all by myself.  Its a good thing, because today, I don't think I'd do so well by myself.

Well, I'm home now.  I had a wonderful afternoon with my family.  I bought a new bracelet for me and a present for a good friend at the jewelry party my sister had.  I needed the girl time. 

My sister gave me my shot.  I think she gets more nervous than I do.  But she does a good job.  I still haven't bruised, and I'm shocked! 

I'm back to the doctor tomorrow at 11:45 to check the growth of my follicles.  I'm hoping for a couple on each side.  I would love to have more than a few pop this time.  It increases our changes, and you know what, if we end up with twins, I'd be ok with that.

I don't have much else to say tonight.  Trying to adjust to the time without my hubby.  We'll see how well I can sleep.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Cycle Day 5-A kick in the ovary

Day 5 and things are already starting to change.  My right ovary is awake.  While walking around the auto show this afternoon, I felt like I had been kicked in my ovary.  It took my breath away it was so strong.  After about a minute it dulled down and now I have this pressure on my ovary.

Over the last two years, I've learned to feel parts of my body that most women ignore.  This pressure and pain is a sign that the follicles on my ovary are growing.  If I were a 'normal' woman who had regular cycles, I probably would never notice the pressure, if it were indeed able to be felt.  The follistim though, causes multiple follicles to enlarge and prep to pop out eggs.  The ovary pain is a common issue those of us on injectables have, but a sign that its working, so I am glad to feel it.

This was my third day of injections.  Things are going fairly well.  I'm surprised that I have no bruises on my thighs yet.  I figure within the next day or so, that will change.

Tomorrow, I have to give myself my shot, and will have to for the next few nights.  Hubby is off to Houston for work.  If you know me at all, you know that this is a huge feat for me to be able to give myself a shot.  I HATE needles with a passion.  When I was a child, it would take 6 adult men to hold me down for blood work.  But now, I am able to give myself shots, with the pen in the thigh, and with the typical syringe style in the belly.  For me, its another sign of my determination to have a child.

Two years ago when we started this journey, I said that if it came to me having shots, I didn't think I could do it and well, maybe that would end our attempts.  I'm glad that I have been able to move past the immobilizing fear of needles to do this.  This hasn't been without its trials though.  My very first night of injections, I had a panic attack and Hubby had to talk me down from it.  Bawling my eyes out, with my puppy licking my tears, he was able to give me my injection.  Things have gotten better, but I still feel sick to my stomach every evening as the clock ticks closer to 6pm.  The reality is, the injections don't hurt.  The needles are very thin and not very long.  They sting, but its nothing terrible.

Tomorrow, I can do this.  I'll be at my sister's house, so I may talk her into injecting me.  :)  She has helped me out before with it.  Its sweet when my nieces ask to watch.  The older of my sister's daughters, we'll call her B, she asks all sorts of questions.

She knows that I have to have shots of medicine to get my belly ready for a baby.  She also asks me every time she sees me if I have a baby in my belly yet.

The hardest part is when B asks about the babies I had in my belly before.  She asks questions about what happened to them, and how to do you explain miscarriage to a 5 year old?  She experienced the joy we had, and she experienced the pain of loss we had.  The best answer we've been able to give her is that those babies were never going to grow bigger than a piece of rice.  We gave her a piece of rice to hold and explained that a baby that tiny just couldn't live with us.  She understood, I think.  B has her little sister, we'll call her H, but she wants a cousin!  I also think B understands how much her Aunt and Uncle want a baby.  Its special for me because she is taking this journey with us.  She'll get to tell her cousin one day that she helped bring them to life.  She was able to hold my hand and the band aids and the cotton ball while her mommy gave me my shot.  I just hope we aren't messing her up for her later years!  I am afraid when she has to watch 'the video' in school, she is going to ask, well, when do we have to have our shots? 

So many people are on this journey with me and my hubby.  A role as small as holding my hand while I get my shot, has such a big meaning for me.  If you are reading this, you are playing a much larger part in our journey than you may realize.  Thank you.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Cycle Day 4-It burns, it burns!

Second day of injections and I forgot how much it burns!

I also forgot the weird taste you get about 25 seconds after the injection.  Its like I have rocks in my mouth, an earthy and mineral flavor....

I've warned my coworkers that I may experience some crazy emotions over the next few weeks, and hopefully months.  They decided on a 'fluffy bunny' and 'grizzly bear' system.  If I'm having a good day, I am to hang a picture of a fluffy bunny on my cubicle wall, and if its a bad day, up goes the bear.  Its a cute idea and they are being good sports with it.  They've all offered to help cover things when I have to run to the doctor for a follow up scan.

My hormones haven't started affecting my moods, yet.  I do, however, feel like I haven't slept in weeks.  I was having serious insomnia earlier this week, but Dr. James gave me the ok to take tylenol pm.  I took it last night and passed out.  It wasn't a very restful sleep though....

Ok, wow, fell asleep for two hours only moments after typing that last bit.  I could not stay awake.  Now, hubby is in bed sleeping and I'm awake...  ugh....

Not a whole lot more to say about today, so we'll see how things go tomorrow.  I should start feeling my ovaries in the next couple of days.  

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Cycle Day 3

March 15, 2012.  The Ides of March and My March Bean's birthday.  One year ago today, we lost you.  A year later, I still miss you.  Happy Birthday my little Bean.  I'll share March Bean's story in a bit.

On to the events of cycle day 3.

Today is the first day of follistim injections.  My dosage today, and until Monday, is 100.  You get your injection every night for 10-12 days between 6-8pm.

Its a lot like an Epi-pen that is used for allergies, but you can reuse the pen, with changeable needles.  Inside the pen you put your little refrigerated vial of liquid gold:

These puppies cost $250 per vial without insurance.  As you can see, the volume in the cartridges vary, but my vials contain 300 iu.  My dosage is 100 iu.   They do usually overfill the little vials enough where you can get about 400 iu out of them.  Injections usually go for 10-12 days.  Now lets do the math. 

3.5 doses per vial
12 doses needed
4 vials needed per cycle

This is per month and does not include the cost of any other meds you have to take.  Your trigger shot or HCG shot as it is called, it runs about $60-$80 per injection.  You get one injection a cycle. 

Thankfully we now have some fertility coverage.  Whew, because if we didn't have, we'd probably not be able to do it.  Our insurance will now allow 3 vials at a time for $50.  Instead of $750 for those vials, I can pay $50.

Once you have your vial in your pen you can put your new needle on and dial up your dose.  Oh ya, one thing that I sometimes forget and have to deal with.  The medicine must be kept refrigerated.  Set it out about an hour before you need it, otherwise, its going to burn!  The dial is a nice feature because it also doubles as your plunger.

The injection sites are probably my least favorite part.  You have two options.  Under your belly button or on the outside upper part of your thighs.  I go for the thighs.  You get nasty nasty bruises at the injection sites, so pants can hurt if you use your belly. 

Like with any injection, you prep the area with an alcohol wipe.  If you don't let the alcohol dry, it'll burn when you inject.  After its dry, you aim your pen and poke.  You don't have to ram it in to your leg, but it does take some force.  Now that you have the needle in your leg, you press the plunger all the way down and let it burn.  You count to 10 and pull the needle back out.  Sometimes you bleed, sometimes  you don't.  It is literally hit or miss when it comes to veins... 

Now, you repeat this every day until you trigger....