Saturday, April 28, 2012

Levels are dropping

Sorry I haven't posted for a little bit.  I've been busy and in an odd mental state.

I went on Thursday for more blood work.  My HCG levels are going down.  They were 73 on Thursday.  I go back this coming Thursday for a follow up.  It is a miscarriage.

I'm sad that we've lost another baby.  As weird as it may sound, I'm not as devastated as I have been before.  I guess part of it could be the fact that I didn't have the happy times of a positive pee stick test, the waiting and build up of raising HCG levels, ultrasounds to see my baby, etc....  The fact that I was pregnant was kind of shocking since I had been bleeding for so long and then my levels being so low when we did find out, those things kept me from getting too 'excited'. 

So now I wait for my levels to get below 5 so we can start again.  They don't expect them to be that low on Thursday, but they may be.  I am thinking within two weeks my levels should be back down.  Once they are, we start the shots again.

Some of the symptoms I've had are going away.  I'm not feeling nauseous anymore, my pants are fitting better, and the food aversions are going away.  My breasts are still very sore and enlarged and my fingers are still swollen.  I know since these symptoms are going away, my levels are going down. 

Things will eventually work for us.  Its just going to take some persistence and faith in ourselves.  We've worked at this actively for 10 years now, its going to happen. 

My posts will be scarce over the next week or so while my levels are dropping.  There just isn't much to report on.  Emotions will be a little crazy while my hormones straighten themselves out. 

Until I type again....

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Another Day, another Dr's visit

Yesterday I went back for more blood work. My levels are still rising.  They are up to 89.  Obviously not doubling like they would in a normal pregnancy, but not dropping either.

When the nurse, Lynn, called me yesterday to give me my results, she asked if I had any pains on either side.  No, I hadn't, just the normal poking and twinging from my ovaries.  So, of course, about an hour and a half later, while sitting at my desk at work, I have this weird pop in my side.  It felt  like when your knuckles crack, it felt like that only in the area of my ovary.  I had some strange pains off an on for about an hour then they stopped.  Now they are only coming when I have to go to the bathroom.  I had called the doctor last night and left a voicemail about it.  They called me back this morning and told me to come in so they could check things out.

I get to the doctor around 9 this morning.  They got me right in and Dr. James checked things.  I have a huge cyst on my left ovary.  She suspects this is the corpus leuteum.  This is the cyst that forms from the follicle that your egg pops out of.  It produces progesterone until there is a fully functioning placenta.  The other possibility is that it is a cyst that formed from the follicles that were responding to the injections we stopped.

They checked my tubes and there is nothing showing there.  They checked my ovaries and nothing unusual there.  They checked my uterus and nothing there.  My lining is still looking amazing.  With my HCG levels being as low as they are, she wasn't surprised we didn't see anything.  Usually your numbers have to be above 2000 for anything to show up.

I should be 6 weeks and 1 day today.  Dr. James said its almost like I'm at 4 weeks instead.  She said she isn't giving up on this yet.  Because my numbers are still going up, she believes something is going on.  Things could turn out to be a healthy pregnancy.  Or it could end up being a miscarriage.  We just aren't able to tell what is going on and she doesn't want to give up.  So we have a slim chance for a happy bundle of joy, but there is a chance.

I'm trying to not get too excited though, because the reality is that it is much more likely that we'll lose this baby than it is that we'll keep them.

Monday, April 23, 2012

And we are still waiting

I called the doctor this morning, I go back tomorrow at 10 am for more blood-work.  According to the doctor, she does still think I'm miscarrying, but she isn't ready to give up on this one yet.  She wants to see how things are tomorrow.

I hate having the pregnancy symptoms.  I am pregnant, but classified as miscarrying.  So this means I get to experience all of the not so fun parts of being pregnant, and not getting the 'reward' in the end.  Brushing my teeth this morning, I threw up.  My breasts are so freaking huge and sore right now.  I'm having food cravings and I can't seem to get full.

However, I'm also having some bad cramps that started about two hours ago.  I'm also starting to have some actual bleeding.  I have a feeling the worse part is starting.  What you may or may not know about a miscarriage is that you actually go through labor.  Obviously, its not as bad as if you were full term because you aren't going to be pushing out an 8 pound baby and your insides aren't stretched out.  But you still have contractions.  These can be so strong they stop you in your tracks.  In the past, when I've had this, I've ran to the bathroom because it usually means a large amount of blood and/or tissue is going to be passed in about 3-5 minutes.  The bleeding can get so heavy you can hardly go 30 minutes without changing a pad.  That in turn means you have to keep dehydrated and up your intake of protein.  And this can go on for a week.

I am not looking forward to going through all of that.  If I am losing or have truly lost my dear little baby Bean, I hope its done and over with, without all of the pain.  Physical pain I should say.  The mental pain seems to never end.  I still mourn the loss of all of my babies, even the one I lost 11 years ago April 15th.

I guess we'll see what the doctor finds out tomorrow.  If my levels are still increasing, then I'll probably have an ultrasound to see what is going on.  If I've lost this little one, I hope my levels go back to zero quickly so we can give it another try.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not sure what to say today

So, I haven't posted for a couple of days.  I've taken the time to heal an be with some dear friends.  Thank you to all of you who have reached out, given your love and support, shown up to hang with me, and give me hugs.  I know so many amazing people, I can't even express how much I appreciate each of you!

I went for blood work yesterday and the results aren't helping things.  On Thursday my HCG level was 48, I believe.  Yesterday it was 56.  It should not be going up still.  Almost two weeks of bleeding, my HCG should not be going up.  The doctor still believes this is not a viable pregnancy, but just isn't sure what is going on.  She said once my levels are back to zero, we'll be starting another round of shots.  But we don't know when my levels will be back at zero.  I have to call her back tomorrow morning to set up my time to have more blood work.  If the levels are still going up, there will be a lot more tests and a lot more questions.

A general rule on HCG is that at 6 weeks, your levels should be at least 1000.  Mine are obviously not that high.  I have been bleeding for two weeks.  I am having so many pregnancy 'symptom's still.  My heart hurts every time I experience one of them. 

I just want my body to make up its mind.  If this truly is a miscarriage, which I 99.9% believe is, then I want it to just be done and over with so we can get started again.  I am ready to get another round of shots going.  There is a greater chance of me getting pregnant after a pregnancy, even if it ended in miscarriage. 

Please please please keep the prayers and positive energies coming.  Hubby and I appreciate them.  If it weren't for the support, I couldn't be doing this blog or these treatments.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Cycle Day doesn't F-ing matter

I am confused, irritated, and sad today.  I am having yet another miscarriage. 

I was right last cycle, I was pregnant.  However, with my period starting, we didn't do a blood or urine test.  So, my period was doing its thing, and I thought it was done on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I had some spotting and the spotting continued until last night when I passed a larger glob of bloody mucus.  Then the bleeding started again.  At the doctor's this morning, I said something to Dr. James about it.  She checked everything.  My right ovary hasn't done anything.  My left ovary had 3 follicles getting bigger.  My uterin lining looked great.  I have cysts on my cervix that sometimes bleed, so she checked that, nothing.  She decided to check my HCG level just to see. 

At 3:30 this afternoon, my favorite nurse, Val, called me with the news.  She was like, Um, I have some weird news and I don't know how to tell you.  I said, well, I think I might know what you are going to tell me.  Yep, my HCG came back at 48.  I am technically pregnant.  However, with all the bleeding and the fact I would be 5 1/2 weeks and my hcg is that low, that isn't good.  It should be a minimum of around 200.  I am miscarrying from what we can tell.  I go back on Saturday morning for blood work to see what the HCG levels are.  It would be a far reaching miracle for this to be a viable pregnancy.  So, we are hoping the levels are dropping.  If they aren't and are hanging out at the same level, we may have a bigger issue.  This can cause cancerous growths in the uterus.  The next week or so is going to be full of doctor's appointments. 

My shots have stopped, we can't do them again until after my HCG levels are back at zero.

I am mad, mad that this happened again.  I'm sad that I've lost another baby.  I'm confused because I don't know what is going on with my body.  Why can't I carry a baby.  What is wrong with me???  My heart is broken.  In my heart I knew that I was pregnant and suspected when my period started that this is what was happening.  Now I know and I'm crushed.

I don't know what our future holds as far as our journey goes.  I don't know if Dr. James will want to go to IVF or if we'll be able to go a few more rounds on injections.  We got our dollar amount on IVF today.  It'll be around $10k.  I have no idea how we would do it.  Hubby is already talking about finding another job to help with it. 

Its not fair.  Its just not fair.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Cycle Day 9

So, there was a question from yesterday's blog that I think I should answer.

What is Leiden Factor 5?

Leiden Factor 5 is a genetic blood disorder.  It causes blood clots.  You can inherit one or two copies.  I have only one.  Having only one copy increases my chance for a blood clot from a person without it 10 fold.  If you have two copies, it can increase your chances to 80 times a person without it!  So, while it sucks that I have it, it could be much worse!  Factor 5 as it is commonly called appears in about 5% of Caucasians in the US.  It is hardly seen in any other race.  It is nearly non-existence in the Asian population.

This does run in my family, so I wasn't too terribly surprised when I found out I had it.  Daily maintenance is fairly simple for me.  I take 1 baby aspirin daily.  I'll have to at least take this for the rest of my life, until I have to go on a blood thinner, which is almost guaranteed that I will have to take one.  Now, since I've been taking one for almost two years, when I get cut, I bleed a bit more.  In the past, when I'd get cut, I didn't bleed all that much.  I've always been quick to scab up from a cut or scrape.  Not anymore!

Having Factor 5 increases your chances for miscarriage because of blood clots.  The clots can go to the placenta and block blood flow to the baby.  These usually happen later in the 1st or early in the 2nd trimester.  We have no proof that this has caused a miscarriage for me.  The most recent miscarriage, we were able to determine the baby had a chromosomal defect.  However, the miscarriage I had before then, we weren't able to confirm anything, so it is a slim possibility that a blood clot was the cause.  We say slim because the baby never made it past 5 1/2 weeks so there was no placenta yet to have a blood clot block blood flow to.

Because of my history of miscarriages and the risk the Factor 5 carries, Dr. James would like for me to start on a blood thinner when I do get pregnant.  I would be taking Lovenox.  This is one of the only blood thinners approved to take during pregnancy.  There are risks from the blood thinner, like if I had an accident while on it, I could bleed to death.  For me though, the risks for that sort of thing are less than the risk of a blood clot. 

Tomorrow I go back for my ultrasound to check my follicles.  I'm nervous, I hope we have some good ones!  I am keeping positive happy thoughts this cycle.  I hope we trigger on Saturday!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Cycle Day 8-Planning

Well, today was our consultation with Dr. James.  I would say it went well.  We discussed several concerns and Dr. James shared her personal struggle with infertility with us.

As I have said before, I love my doctor.  She is an amazing person.  I now know why she is so compassionate towards her patients.  She is one herself.  We found out that she has endometreosis and low quality eggs.  She is pregnant with twin girls, due in July.  These miracles from from donor eggs.  While she is treating me, and others like me, she is going through the pain and stress of trying to conceive.  It was an awesome experience to have her share that with us.

Our consultation was nice.  I was a little discouraged though when Dr. James said she thinks our case has been a case of bad luck.  She isn't ready to give up on the injections yet.  We are going to go another couple of rounds before seriously discussing IVF.  We know that I can get pregnant and we know the miscarriages have been from genetic defects.  It was nothing my body caused.  She does want me to start on a blood thinner though when I get pregnant again.  Because of my Leiden factor 5 issue, a blood clot could cause a miscarriage later in a pregnancy. 

There is a possibility before we do IVF, if we have to do IVF, that I'll have to have an exploratory surgery.  It would be laproscopic, but still, eek!  They would go in under my belly button and see if there may be anything wrong.  Dr. James doesn't think I'll have to have the surgery, but there is a very real possibility that I will.  It would be out patient and I'd only be off of work for a few days.

We also discussed that possibility that there is something wrong with my eggs.  She doesn't believe that to be the case, but we wouldn't know for certain until we do IVF.  In the case that I have 'bad eggs', we could use a donor.  There are a few options for this.  We could use a donor that is part of the pool that Dr. James uses or we could go through a private agency, much like an adoption agency.  The difference is, $4,000 with Dr. James or $10,000 for a private agency.  This is on top of the cost of IVF.

IVF, without insurance would run about $13,000 for us.  We are waiting on a call from the woman at the Dr's office who will run all the figures with our insurance.  Brad and I were doing a few rough estimates on what we know our insurance covers, like medicines and such, it would probably be like $4,000 less.  After we talk with her on the cost, we'll have a better idea of what we can do.

We are pretty certain, we'd give IVF a try if we can get the money.  We have been trying to think of the different ways we can come up with it.  There is the option of taking on second jobs.  We can finance it, but ugh.... 

I feel pretty positive about today.  Dr. James thinks we have a great chance of getting pregnant without IVF.  About a 20% chance each cycle.  But with IVF, she said she'd put our chances between 50% and 70%. 

My shots are going well.  No bleeding today from them.  I can't wait to go back to the doctor on Thursday to see how many follicles are there and when we'll trigger!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Cycle Day 7

My left ovary has been very sore today.  Its definitely doing something!  Dr. James confirmed it this morning at my appointment.  I have several follicles responding on my left ovary, but two of them are a little bigger than the others.  My right ovary has two follicles that are doing their thing.  I expect to have 4 eggs when we trigger.  Thank makes me happy!

Ugh, last night when we did my shot, it was a two poke night, I bled.  Today, I have the nastiest bruise!  Its a gross blue color and is about the size of a half dollar.  I hate how ugly it makes my legs look. 

I've been pretty grumpy today too.  I can tell my hormones are going nuts.  My period is still going on, just enough to be a pain, and then I've got the hormones from the injections.  My brain is going in 50 different directions today, and 46 of them seem to be in unhappy places!  I am looking forward to dinner tonight though.  I've been so hungry today. 

I've lost about 10 pounds in the last couple of months, and I'm afraid I've gained it all back today!  I feel like I've not eaten anything, but I've been eating stuff all day. 

I go back to the doctor on Thursday to double check my follicles, but we go tomorrow afternoon for our consultation.  We are going to discuss IVF.  I hope we don't have to go that route, but at least we'll have discussed it.

Keep the prayers and positive baby energies coming our way.  They help.  Even though we don't have a baby to hold yet to show for them, they are getting us through every day!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cycle days 5&6

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see how many follicles are growing.  I'm excited about it.  I hope for some good eggs this go around.

We did my shot for tonight just a bit ago.  It was a double shot night, which I hate.  Tonight was worse, because it burned really bad.  I bled a lot too.  I have two band-aids on my leg, and they burn.  I'm allergic to the sticky on band-aids.  I will have to take them off soon so I don't get hives!

Whenever I bleed, I'm always afraid the medicine is coming out.  I don't want to lose the medicine!  Sure, it sounds silly, but this medicine has to be done every 24 hours, within a two hour window.  I don't know how exact the dosage has to be, so what happens if some of it leaks out?! 

I am in good spirits right now.  Last night I spent time with some good friends.  It was nice to just hang out and be silly.  I did end up having a couple of drinks last night, so that helped me loosen up! 

I hope to have some high numbers at the doctor tomorrow.  I don't want to have to up my dosage!  We'll see, but I believe that we'll be inseminating on Sunday!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Cycle Day 4

Today was the second day of injections.  They didn't burn so much today.  I didn't bleed either.  The metallic taste hit me pretty quickly and strongly today. 

I was in a really good mood today, still am.  I have a renewed sense of hope.  I honestly haven't felt his hopeful in a long time.  I know we can do this, I know we have the strength to get through all of these obstacles.  My friends have reached out and given me so much strength and support that I feel like I could do anything!

I go back to the doctor on Monday for my follow up.  I'm curious if we'll trigger at the same time this cycle as we did last cycle.  I started on a Tuesday last cycle and I started on Tuesday this cycle.  So, if we do, that means next weekend I'll be getting basted! 

On Tuesday, we go back to the doctor, hubby and I together, for a consultation with the doctor.  I'm not as nervous about it as I once was.  I am always so afraid of going and getting bad news.  But Hubby pointed out, this is our journey, we get to make the final call, not the doctor.  If we feel that we can do this with the injections, we'll keep doing them.  We've managed to get pregnant twice on them.  I hope the third time is the charm!

I'm keeping it short tonight.  Hubby and I are enjoying a relaxing evening together.  I even enjoyed a glass of wine tonight.  I can squeeze one in right now, before trigger!  So I did. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Cycle Day 3-What a surprise

I want to say Thank You again to all of the amazing people in my life. 

I came home today to a huge surprise.  I'm pulling into the house and see my big white box of follistim from the pharmacy sitting on the porch.  Then on my garage door I see a delivery tag stuck to it.  I was thing WTF?  I pull it off the door and its a tag from a local florist that says your package has been delivered to the back door.  Sitting on my back step is a huge box with a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers inside.  At this point, I'm confused as can be.  I finally find the tag and am blown away.  It says "I hope you have a great day".  It was from a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years!  I just sat down in my kitchen and cried. 

On my table are two packages that mean so much to me.  One, a beautiful gesture of love and care.  The other, vials that have the power to bring me the one thing I want more than anything in the world.  I am at a loss for words at this point. 

I want to tell my friend, if you are reading this, you made my week!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

So, I finally get the flowers in a vase and my follistim in the fridge.  I'm back to a more stable feeling.  Happy and still shocked. 

I had my first injection tonight of this round.  It doesn't matter how many times I have them, the first night I still get worked up.  I fight off a panic attack as Hubby is getting my shot ready.  Tonight, my dog must have noticed I was scared.  She laid beside me on the bed and licked my hand while the needle when in.  Then, while we were counting to 10, she laid on my chest and gave me kisses.  She is so sweet and knows when I'm upset.  She is actually glued to my lap tonight, so I'm twisted on the couch trying to type this and keep my computer off of her. 

My dose tonight was 100.  It burned a lot tonight, but I think part of it was it didn't have a lot of time to warm up.  Ouchie!

Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of days ago.  So many friends have reached out to me, giving me hope.  They've shared their stories and have offered so much.  I really can't thank all of you enough. 

Tonight, I'm going to veg out on the couch with my puppy dog and hubby and just relax.  I need to remember that through all of this, RELAX!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Cycle Day 2-Its better today.

So, this song made me cry today.  Its called “Heaven (Little by Little)” by Theory of a Deadman.  I NEVER would have expected a song by them would make me cry.  There is a part in the song that goes “The fact that you keep trying is what sets you apart”.  That hit me like a truck this afternoon.

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  I’ve been hormonal and emotional.  My gut sank yesterday when the doctor told me she wanted to have a consultation with us about our fertility plans.  The next step is obviously IVF.  I know I can’t afford that so I felt like we were close to the end of trying.  But, I went in this morning for my baseline scan, everything is ok and we start on shots tomorrow, and the doctor said that she wants to go over my entire chart together and have an open discussion about IVF.  She isn’t saying we have to do IVF, but wants to go over the costs and details so we can make the choice of going on to IVF or going longer on the shots.  She said with me having been able to get pregnant twice on the shots, she knows it can work for us, its just a matter of how long do we go through with it.  It is going to be a hard discussion to have, but I think its needed. 

My baseline went well and we start the shots tomorrow.  Keeping the dose at 100, Dr. James thinks that is a great level for me.  So we’ll see how it goes.  I’m having a terrible period.  Heavy heavy bleeding, a lot of clotting, and some of the worse cramps I can remember having in a while.  My blood sugar has been wonky because of the bleeding, so I’ve felt like crap. 

I did want to say THANK YOU! to those of you who have reached out to me.  The words of encouragement and support have helped greatly.  I heard from someone last night that I was not expecting to have heard from.  She is an amazing person who has faced death and said “No not me!” and has gone on to become a wife and mother, something that 15+ years ago few would have thought possible.  She has overcome more than I’ve ever been faced with and is such a bright and happy person.  If she can do that, I know I CAN accept the challenges I’ve been given and NEVER give up.  Inspiration and the Divine come to you when you need it most, you just have to want to see it.

So on that note, I’m leaving you with the lyrics to the song that stopped me today. 

Now don't you be afraid
We can always talk about
No need to medicate
Cuz I know you're strong without it
You got me through the days
When I thought I couldn't face it
Let me count the ways
The love we have you can't replace it

Just hold on, I'm not that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Now you're far away
And I'm alone to cry about it
It's not a better place
When you die and leave me here to say

Hold on, I was never that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

You'll get stronger
If you need me, I'm not far away
So, just hold on
I'll help you find the way
I'll help you find the way

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Little by little, day by day

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Cycle Day 1-We start again

Well, as you can see from the title, its cycle day 1 again. 

My period started with force over night.  Ugh....  This is a very painful and heavy period.  A lot of clotting and cramping.

I called my doctor today.  I go in first thing in the morning for a baseline scan.  However, I have to make an appointment for a consultation with Dr. James to discuss our future.  They usually allow 3 cycles on one step before moving on.  I've had 4 unsuccessful rounds on the follistim. 

I'm scared because I know the next step is IVF.  IVF is also very expensive.  $10,000-$15,000 a cycle.  And there is still no guarantee. 

Bottom line is, I can't afford that!  I'm scared because I'm afraid we are approaching the end of our road on this journey and its not the destination I had planned.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 27

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it!

I'm not in a great mental state today.  I'm worried.  I'm still spotting.  Its dark, no fresh blood, but its still coming.  Its only when I wipe and it is mixed in my mucus, but I'm worried.

I'm so afraid that I'm not pregnant.  I'll have to do this all over again.  Another month of disappointment....

The only thing that is keeping me somewhat positive is the fact that I'm having no symptoms of a period coming.  No cramps, no real moodiness, just nothing that points to it, other than the spotting.

I'm still having the belly button pinching, the ovary pains, the sore breasts. 

I just don't know what to think, and my heart hurts....

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Cycle Day 25 and some of Day 26-sorry its late!

I'm sorry my post for cycle day 25 is coming the morning after.  I went out with my friend last night and didn't get home until late!  But it was fun and needed!

Yesterday was kind of a weird day.  I was so tired, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through work without falling asleep.  I came home and took a nap before going out! 

Mentally, I was so not with it.  I felt spacey.  My brain certainly was not on work and not on anything important.  I know I use this term a lot, but I felt wonky.

Physically, my breasts still hurt.  The ovary pains come and go.  I'm so nauseous, feeling like I've just been spun around 50 times!  The thought of anything sweet makes me want to hurl.

However, I have one thing that has started that I'm a little concerned about.  Last night when I went to the bathroom, there was some dark brown spotting on the paper.  This could be from a couple of things.  I could be implantation bleeding.  I know from the fact it was brown that it was older blood, could have been up to 4 days old.  It takes a while for it to all clear your body, especially when its in small amounts.  There wasn't a lot, just some brownish colored mucus.  This seems pretty typical of implantation bleeding.  Brownish mucus that can last for a week, but never a flow like your period. 

I could be from the progesterone suppositories.  They can dry the vaginal canal and irritate the cervix and cause some bleeding.  I have issues with cysts on my cervix anyway, and they bleed a little bit if they are irritated.  Come to think of it, that is almost exactly what the spotting looks like.  When I've irritated or popped one of the cysts.  Not much blood, just enough to stain your mucus....  hmmmm....

But, it could be pre-period spotting....  If that is the case, this round didn't work and no baby for us yet.

I'm trying not to think about it too much, but I didn't sleep the greatest last night.

I get up this morning and go pee, there is nothing on the paper.  An hour later when I went pee again, there was some spotting.  I just peed again about 15 minutes ago and there was hardly anything noticeable on the paper. 

It has my mind in an uproar because I feel so sure that this is the cycle.  This is the month its going to work, but what if it didn't?  I know the reality of it is that it may not have worked and we'll do this all again.  Mentally though, I'll be a train wreck.  An absolute ball of crazy for a few days.

I'm scared and worried and just feeling like I want to cry.  Instead, I think I'm going to take a nap and maybe it'll go away.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Cycle Day 24

Not much to say today I guess.

I'm freaking tired.  I made it so far without a nap.  I don't know how much longer I'm going to be awake though!

I've peed a ton today.  10 times today, easily.  I'm also drinking a lot more.  I had drank 4 16oz glasses of water at work today, that is twice my normal.  I've drank quite a bit more water since I got home too!

I'm in a much better state of mind today though.  I really am hoping I'm pregnant, but you know what, if I'm not, we'll do this again.  If I am, we'll pray that our baby grows happy and healthy! 

Oh, my pants, I couldn't button them this morning.  I wore an identical pair on Monday and they buttoned just fine.  Tried to button the pair I put on this morning and couldn't.  I zipped them just fine, but the button was like an inch away from closing.  Out came the rubber band!

No egg roll cravings today.  Sweet things have sounded terrible to me.  We were talking about ice cream at work, and I just said, "I want nachos".  Nachos sound amazing.  I want strong flavors and spicy flavors.

My ovaries have been poking at me a lot today.  This evening, I've gotten the belly button pinching.  I have no idea what is causing the pinching.  I've read that it could be from your uterus expanding.  I know that it would seem early for your uterus to be growing, but it actually starts growing as soon as conception starts.  There is so much growing and prepping that your body has to do, I'm surprised there aren't more aches and pains!

Well, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.  I'm so tired.  Only 5 more sleeps until I get to pee on a stick!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Cycle Day 23-Egg Rolls!

Today I had a terrible craving for egg rolls.  Thanks to my friends who went with me for chinese for lunch.  It hit the spot.  However, afterwards I felt like crap! 

I've been nauseous off and on today.  Its comparable to motion sickness.  I don't feel like I could throw up, I just don't feel comfortable.

My right ovary has been doing its thing.  It lets me know it there, just when I start to think I've stopped feeling it, it kicks me in the side again.  I've had the belly button pinching a couple times today.

I've been constipated.  Yuck.  I hate it when things slow down.  Its very uncomfortable. 

I'm so tired, I wanted to take a nap at work today.  I've been having the weirdest dreams at night, so my sleep just hasn't been restful.  Last night I had a dream that I got contact lenses and was having a hard time putting them in.  These were made to wrap all the way around your eyeball!

I've been peeing more than I normally do.  I think I've peed 6 or 7 times.  In a normal day, I pee maybe 4 times, if that...

I'll be honest though, even with all of these symptoms, I'm not sure that I am pregnant.  I am kind of in that mental state of denial.  At least I think I am.  I kind of feel like this is never going to happen.  Like I'm just not meant to have a child.  I don't know where the depressed feelings have come from all of a sudden.  I've been feeling so positive until today.  Today, I just feel like nothing is going to happen....  I guess we'll see how my state of mind is tomorrow....

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Cycle Day 22-Queasy

Ugh, the queasiness has started.  It hit about 15 minutes after lunch.  I started burping and my stomach just felt uneasy.  It has come and gone.  I've never felt like I could throw up, just kind of that nervous fluttering you get on a hilly car ride. 

Last night, I was woken up twice by my right ovary screaming at me.  I haven't been woken up by my ovaries before, this was new!  I woke up feeling more tired than I did when I went to bed.  I've been super sleepy all day, but not really to the point I feel like I could pass out.  I certainly could go to bed for the night right this moment, but I don't feel like I can't stay awake.  I'm close, but not quite to that point.

My breasts are very tender.  I have a few larger veins on the tops of my breasts that I can see have gotten much more blue.  Hubby says he thinks my nipples are even darker and that my breasts are fuller. 

I'm peeing a whole lot more.  And drinking more too I think.  For all the peeing I'm doing, I'm surprisingly swollen.  My fingers look like sausages!  My belly still is bloated too.  I am keeping my buttons undone on my pants.

I've been doing some more thinking about taking my test too.  I think I am going to stick it out and test on Tuesday, so that means one more week!  The reason I've decided to wait is in case of a chemical pregnancy.  This is what happens when you conceive, but there is something wrong and the pregnancy terminates itself naturally.  You have a period, maybe a day late, but 99% of the time, you never know  you are pregnant.  Waiting the extra two days can help to rule that out.  There is no saying by waiting two days that it will guarantee you won't lose your baby, but it can save you some mental anguish. 

I am wearing every day my necklace that Hubby gave me.  It is a moonstone and it is for fertility.  I'm also carrying a prayer bag of crystals from my best friend, every single day.  I do believe the energy they've put into these items will help!  Prayer, to what ever Deity you believe in and energies sent out, they do make a difference!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Cycle Day 21

And so the psycho moments begin....

I've felt very very unstable today.  I go from happy thoughts about the possibility of being pregnant to freaking out about how I'll handle it if I'm not.  A good friend told me to just chill out.  LOL  I tried.  I'm feeling a bit more stable, but no quite my 'normal' self.  I've felt wonky all day though.  Something feels off.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, things aren't 'normal'. 

I'm not having the belly button pinching anymore, but my ovaries are still occasionally reminding me they are still there!  It sometimes will take my breath away!  My breasts are more tender today and Hubby swears the areola and nipples are darker.  I guess he'd know better than me, I don't spend that much time staring at my breasts!  I'm feeling more tired too.  And good lord am I eating!  I feel like I'm just never full.  My sense of smell seems to be picking up too.  I kept smelling cigar smoke during lunch today.  I also thought I smelled egg rolls, but I couldn't find them.  Boy did they smell good too!  I wanted an egg roll after that!

This afternoon, I was talking to Hubby about some of my fears.  One of them is having twins.  I wouldn't even necessarily call it a fear, but maybe more of a thought.  I wouldn't mind twins.  It would solve one problem of me wanting more than one child and not wanting to go through fertility treatments all over again.  Anyway, I was having a moment and asked Hubby OMG, what if we have twins, what are we going to do?  His response :well if it happens, it happens.  Nothing we can do but love them all.

It made me smile.  Its just another reason why I love him.  He can talk me down out of a panic in just one statement.  It isn't going to matter to him what the outcome is, he is going to love me and our children anyway.

I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to test on Sunday or wait the extra two days....


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Cycle Day 20

This morning, my day was busy, busy, busy, this afternoon, I slept!  I ended up sleeping for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon.  I was so tired.  I still feel really sleepy.

I'm getting the belly button pinching this evening.  It didn't start yesterday until the afternoon, and I was cleaning until around 3:30, not paying any attention to my body.  I fell asleep at 3:30 and I haven't felt anything other than heartburn when I've been sleeping.  This evening, when I got up off of the couch, my ovaries had some pain in them.  Then, while cooking dinner, the belly button pinching started.  I'm still having some slight cramping in my uterus and around that area.

I've been drinking a lot more than usual.  I've been peeing more too, but I'm not surprised since I'm drinking more.  However, my pee has become neon yellow.  The only different medicine I'm taking is the progesterone suppositories, and I don't remember them ever making my pee so bright in the past! 

I've been craving salt.  Dill pickles have tasted great, but they are salty.  Last night, we didn't eat dinner until almost 10pm, and we did a fend for yourself night.  Hubby made himself chicken sandwiches.  I made ramen noodles.  I had a bowl of chicken ramen, ate it then promptly went and made a bowl of the oriental flavored ramen.  It tasted so good.  However, it killed my stomach!  Ugh!  No slow potty this morning!

I'm curious how this next week will go, as far as symptoms.  If I am pregnant, nausea will probably set in later in the week, if things follow a similar pattern.  My breasts are tender, but not to the point of hurting.  Hubby says my nipples have darkened (sorry if its TMI, but its a sign of pregnancy) and I've developed little bumpies around the edge of my areola.  I guess these are glands that become prominent in some pregnant women.  It happened in my last two pregnancies.

I'm so nervous about testing because I want to be pregnant so bad.  I want it to be positive.  I just don't know if I am.  I've got a week before I can test.  Then if I am pregnant, its a 9 month or so wait to see if the baby gets here happy and healthy!  And oh lord, what if there are more than one in there?!