Sunday, May 6, 2012

No more shots please!!!!

8:45 this morning, I had my methotrexate shot.  It was actually two injections, one in each hip.  My hips are sore....

I'm not posting much today because I just feel like crap.  I've got a headache from hell and can only take tylenol.  My insides are burning and I don't want to eat.  My joints and muscles are sore.  I really just want to sleep this all away....

Friday, May 4, 2012

I swear if I have to see another needle today, I'm going to cry

Blood work and an ultrasound this morning.  Nothing shows up in my uterus or my tubes or anywhere else for that matter.  My lining looks amazing for a pregnant woman.  They take the vial of blood and tell me they'll call this afternoon.

They called this afternoon to let me know my levels went up from 154 to 160. 

I go to the doctor thinking I am going to get that stupid shot of chemo meds.  Instead I get a full blood work up, 3 big vials of blood taken.  They are checking my liver, kidneys, the whole shabang.  I go back Sunday morning to get the shot.  I had to sign waiver forms saying that I knew the meds would end any pregnancy.  That is one of the hardest things to sign, but I've signed it before for my D&Cs.  It just breaks your heart.  I know that this was not a viable pregnancy and that my poor baby has been gone for a while now.  Its just hard to see it on paper.

I did learn some more about the shot though.  It causes all the folic acid in your body to be drained out.  I can't take my vitamins or aspirin for at least a month.  No intercourse during that time either.  Oh, no alcohol, even though I could use some....  But I don't want to end up with liver toxicity.  I also can't be out in the sun without sunscreen or for long times because I'm going to be more likely to sun burn.  I don't know how that is possible with my tendency to burn anyway... 

I really feel like cracking today though.  I just want to cry because I don't know what is going on.  I just don't know.... 

I did come across this on facebook today and I think it was put there for me to see...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

And up we go...

Back to the doctor today for blood work.  My arm was thankful for the week break between holes gouged into it.  I still get woozy hearing my blood bubble as it fills the little vial.  I am so thankful for the technician who does my blood work, Lisa, she is amazing.

Over the last week, I've been waiting and waiting for my symptoms to go away.  They haven't.  I'm still eating a ton, peeing all the time, almost once an hour, morning nausea, and enlarged and sore breasts.  Ugh.  But the doctor said that she didn't think the HCG would be out of my system at this point, but it should have decreased.

About 3:30 this afternoon I talk to Chanelle, one of the awesome nurses from the office.  My levels have gone up, not down.  They are up to 154.  Not a good thing at 7 1/2 weeks into a miscarrying pregnancy.

It isn't unusual for your levels to go up a little bit before they drop off, but this is not common at all.  

So back to the doctor tomorrow morning at 8 for an ultrasound, again.  They are getting really worried that this is an ectopic pregnancy and that they can't find it.  I am scared because I don't want to lose a tube or ovary or have any serious damage. 

The plan is to probably do an injection of this chemo medicine called methotrexate.  From what I understand this causes the rapid cell growth to cease, forcing any growing tissue associated with the pregnancy (fetal or placental) to stop growing.  Your body will then get rid of the tissue.

The biggest draw back of this, we couldn't try to get pregnant for at least 3 months.  It takes about that long for the medicine to work its way out of your system.  If you were to get pregnant with this still in your system, you could lose the baby or have a baby with severe birth defects. 

There is one final possibility that I am going to bring up to the doctor.  It is possible that I have gotten pregnant in the last few weeks.  We did start the medicine to stimulate follicles and we were less than 48 hours away from triggering.  Brad and I have 'mated' during this time.  I would hate to take the medicine and lose a baby we didn't know was there.

I guess I'll know more tomorrow.  I'm scared because I yet again don't know what our future holds.  I hope something good, the bad is starting to really wear on me....

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Levels are dropping

Sorry I haven't posted for a little bit.  I've been busy and in an odd mental state.

I went on Thursday for more blood work.  My HCG levels are going down.  They were 73 on Thursday.  I go back this coming Thursday for a follow up.  It is a miscarriage.

I'm sad that we've lost another baby.  As weird as it may sound, I'm not as devastated as I have been before.  I guess part of it could be the fact that I didn't have the happy times of a positive pee stick test, the waiting and build up of raising HCG levels, ultrasounds to see my baby, etc....  The fact that I was pregnant was kind of shocking since I had been bleeding for so long and then my levels being so low when we did find out, those things kept me from getting too 'excited'. 

So now I wait for my levels to get below 5 so we can start again.  They don't expect them to be that low on Thursday, but they may be.  I am thinking within two weeks my levels should be back down.  Once they are, we start the shots again.

Some of the symptoms I've had are going away.  I'm not feeling nauseous anymore, my pants are fitting better, and the food aversions are going away.  My breasts are still very sore and enlarged and my fingers are still swollen.  I know since these symptoms are going away, my levels are going down. 

Things will eventually work for us.  Its just going to take some persistence and faith in ourselves.  We've worked at this actively for 10 years now, its going to happen. 

My posts will be scarce over the next week or so while my levels are dropping.  There just isn't much to report on.  Emotions will be a little crazy while my hormones straighten themselves out. 

Until I type again....

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Another Day, another Dr's visit

Yesterday I went back for more blood work. My levels are still rising.  They are up to 89.  Obviously not doubling like they would in a normal pregnancy, but not dropping either.

When the nurse, Lynn, called me yesterday to give me my results, she asked if I had any pains on either side.  No, I hadn't, just the normal poking and twinging from my ovaries.  So, of course, about an hour and a half later, while sitting at my desk at work, I have this weird pop in my side.  It felt  like when your knuckles crack, it felt like that only in the area of my ovary.  I had some strange pains off an on for about an hour then they stopped.  Now they are only coming when I have to go to the bathroom.  I had called the doctor last night and left a voicemail about it.  They called me back this morning and told me to come in so they could check things out.

I get to the doctor around 9 this morning.  They got me right in and Dr. James checked things.  I have a huge cyst on my left ovary.  She suspects this is the corpus leuteum.  This is the cyst that forms from the follicle that your egg pops out of.  It produces progesterone until there is a fully functioning placenta.  The other possibility is that it is a cyst that formed from the follicles that were responding to the injections we stopped.

They checked my tubes and there is nothing showing there.  They checked my ovaries and nothing unusual there.  They checked my uterus and nothing there.  My lining is still looking amazing.  With my HCG levels being as low as they are, she wasn't surprised we didn't see anything.  Usually your numbers have to be above 2000 for anything to show up.

I should be 6 weeks and 1 day today.  Dr. James said its almost like I'm at 4 weeks instead.  She said she isn't giving up on this yet.  Because my numbers are still going up, she believes something is going on.  Things could turn out to be a healthy pregnancy.  Or it could end up being a miscarriage.  We just aren't able to tell what is going on and she doesn't want to give up.  So we have a slim chance for a happy bundle of joy, but there is a chance.

I'm trying to not get too excited though, because the reality is that it is much more likely that we'll lose this baby than it is that we'll keep them.

Monday, April 23, 2012

And we are still waiting

I called the doctor this morning, I go back tomorrow at 10 am for more blood-work.  According to the doctor, she does still think I'm miscarrying, but she isn't ready to give up on this one yet.  She wants to see how things are tomorrow.

I hate having the pregnancy symptoms.  I am pregnant, but classified as miscarrying.  So this means I get to experience all of the not so fun parts of being pregnant, and not getting the 'reward' in the end.  Brushing my teeth this morning, I threw up.  My breasts are so freaking huge and sore right now.  I'm having food cravings and I can't seem to get full.

However, I'm also having some bad cramps that started about two hours ago.  I'm also starting to have some actual bleeding.  I have a feeling the worse part is starting.  What you may or may not know about a miscarriage is that you actually go through labor.  Obviously, its not as bad as if you were full term because you aren't going to be pushing out an 8 pound baby and your insides aren't stretched out.  But you still have contractions.  These can be so strong they stop you in your tracks.  In the past, when I've had this, I've ran to the bathroom because it usually means a large amount of blood and/or tissue is going to be passed in about 3-5 minutes.  The bleeding can get so heavy you can hardly go 30 minutes without changing a pad.  That in turn means you have to keep dehydrated and up your intake of protein.  And this can go on for a week.

I am not looking forward to going through all of that.  If I am losing or have truly lost my dear little baby Bean, I hope its done and over with, without all of the pain.  Physical pain I should say.  The mental pain seems to never end.  I still mourn the loss of all of my babies, even the one I lost 11 years ago April 15th.

I guess we'll see what the doctor finds out tomorrow.  If my levels are still increasing, then I'll probably have an ultrasound to see what is going on.  If I've lost this little one, I hope my levels go back to zero quickly so we can give it another try.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not sure what to say today

So, I haven't posted for a couple of days.  I've taken the time to heal an be with some dear friends.  Thank you to all of you who have reached out, given your love and support, shown up to hang with me, and give me hugs.  I know so many amazing people, I can't even express how much I appreciate each of you!

I went for blood work yesterday and the results aren't helping things.  On Thursday my HCG level was 48, I believe.  Yesterday it was 56.  It should not be going up still.  Almost two weeks of bleeding, my HCG should not be going up.  The doctor still believes this is not a viable pregnancy, but just isn't sure what is going on.  She said once my levels are back to zero, we'll be starting another round of shots.  But we don't know when my levels will be back at zero.  I have to call her back tomorrow morning to set up my time to have more blood work.  If the levels are still going up, there will be a lot more tests and a lot more questions.

A general rule on HCG is that at 6 weeks, your levels should be at least 1000.  Mine are obviously not that high.  I have been bleeding for two weeks.  I am having so many pregnancy 'symptom's still.  My heart hurts every time I experience one of them. 

I just want my body to make up its mind.  If this truly is a miscarriage, which I 99.9% believe is, then I want it to just be done and over with so we can get started again.  I am ready to get another round of shots going.  There is a greater chance of me getting pregnant after a pregnancy, even if it ended in miscarriage. 

Please please please keep the prayers and positive energies coming.  Hubby and I appreciate them.  If it weren't for the support, I couldn't be doing this blog or these treatments.