Cycle Day doesn't F-ing matter

I am confused, irritated, and sad today.  I am having yet another miscarriage. 

I was right last cycle, I was pregnant.  However, with my period starting, we didn't do a blood or urine test.  So, my period was doing its thing, and I thought it was done on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I had some spotting and the spotting continued until last night when I passed a larger glob of bloody mucus.  Then the bleeding started again.  At the doctor's this morning, I said something to Dr. James about it.  She checked everything.  My right ovary hasn't done anything.  My left ovary had 3 follicles getting bigger.  My uterin lining looked great.  I have cysts on my cervix that sometimes bleed, so she checked that, nothing.  She decided to check my HCG level just to see. 

At 3:30 this afternoon, my favorite nurse, Val, called me with the news.  She was like, Um, I have some weird news and I don't know how to tell you.  I said, well, I think I might know what you are going to tell me.  Yep, my HCG came back at 48.  I am technically pregnant.  However, with all the bleeding and the fact I would be 5 1/2 weeks and my hcg is that low, that isn't good.  It should be a minimum of around 200.  I am miscarrying from what we can tell.  I go back on Saturday morning for blood work to see what the HCG levels are.  It would be a far reaching miracle for this to be a viable pregnancy.  So, we are hoping the levels are dropping.  If they aren't and are hanging out at the same level, we may have a bigger issue.  This can cause cancerous growths in the uterus.  The next week or so is going to be full of doctor's appointments. 

My shots have stopped, we can't do them again until after my HCG levels are back at zero.

I am mad, mad that this happened again.  I'm sad that I've lost another baby.  I'm confused because I don't know what is going on with my body.  Why can't I carry a baby.  What is wrong with me???  My heart is broken.  In my heart I knew that I was pregnant and suspected when my period started that this is what was happening.  Now I know and I'm crushed.

I don't know what our future holds as far as our journey goes.  I don't know if Dr. James will want to go to IVF or if we'll be able to go a few more rounds on injections.  We got our dollar amount on IVF today.  It'll be around $10k.  I have no idea how we would do it.  Hubby is already talking about finding another job to help with it. 

Its not fair.  Its just not fair.