Thursday, March 22, 2012

Cycle Day 10-More than you realize

Well, no trigger shot today.  I go back on Saturday and will trigger then.  I'm working on a handful of eggies.  We should have a better idea on Saturday how many we are talking.  Could be just one or two pop, or it could be like 8! 

My ovaries hurt worse today than I can ever remember, and my breasts feel like they need cut off.  Mucus is nice and egg white-like, just like it should be, but ugh, yuck!  My insides hurt from the ultrasound.  My left ovary is a master hide and seek player and they have to jam the wand in as far as they can, push it to the left and then push on my belly to see it.  I feel like I've been scrambled! 


Today though, I made some connections with a couple of co-workers that I was not expecting.  I've been fairly vocal with my co-workers about what is going on, mainly so they know that when I'm bawling my eyes out for no reason, just let me be.  The one coworker, we'll call her MC, she had a tubal pregnancy two years ago and lost a fallopian tube.  She is concerned because she has not been able to get pregnant again.  Her doctor has suggested she have her tubes checked for blockage and she is scared.  She is scared of what she will find out in the test, that her one remaining tube is blocked.  And that it will be the start of her journey down the infertility treatment road.  She is not afraid of the physical pain, but of the emotional pain.  It was nice for the two of us to just talk about the emotional side of this.  If you have never been through the loss and frustration, you'll never fully understand.

Another coworker, we'll call her ML, she sent me a message that just said "someone told me I should check out your blog".  That gave me a big ol' smile.  Someone out there is reading this and believes that this could be helpful.  Anyway, I found out she too has PCOS.  We had some discussion about doctors and the joys of this disorder....  Its nice to know that you aren't the only one out there dealing with the depression, body hair, weight that won't budge... 

There are more of us than you realize!

I did something tonight that has taken me two and a half years to do. 

I finally cleaned up the baby car seat.  This has been sitting in my mom's basement since August of 2009.  Back then, we were going to adopt a beautiful baby girl.  We were there at the hospital when she was born and took care of her until it was time to go home.  About 30 minutes before we were supposed to be released, the birth mom came to us and said she changed her mind, she just couldn't let her baby girl go. 

As a woman who wants to be a mom more than anything in the world, I could never imagine going through what this mom went through.  She had made the choice to find a forever home for her baby girl, believing it was for the best.  I felt honored to be the mom picked out for this sweet angel.  Then I was absolutely crushed when she was taken away.  I believe it is best for her to be with her birth mother, as long as her birth mom loves her and cares for her.

I've never felt a crushing pain like I did that day.  I've lost four babies to miscarriage, but I've NEVER felt the pain of having her taken away.  There is a huge difference in losing a baby that you've only known on an ultrasound screen and losing a baby that you've held and loved and cared for.  Both hurt immensely but they both hurt differently. 

Needless to say, this rocked me to my core.   My mother and sister came to the rescue that day when Hubby and I stumbled home, numb.  They boxed up everything that we had purchased and took it to my mom's house.  There is has sat since that day.  This weekend though, I finally felt strong enough to start bringing stuff home.  I brought home the car seat and our boppy pillow.  After two and a half years of sitting in a basement, they needed cleaned up.  So now the seat liner and pillows are drying. 

I can not express how good it felt to be able to do that.  I believe I am truly stronger because of this experience.  My heart now feels ready to love again.

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