My insides hurt. I feel like I have a urinary tract infection in my uterus. That is the best way to describe it. It kind of feels like I have to pee a lot and there is tightness in the muscles around my ovaries and uterus. I believe it is from the eggs popping out and having a tube moved around in my uterus to deposit the swimmers.
Here is the weird thing. In the two rounds of treatment when I got pregnant, I had this feeling, but if I didn't get those feelings, I didn't get pregnant. I don't know if I am just crazy or if there is something to it! Anyway, I have this feeling this time, so I'm thinking positive thoughts.
I'm trying to think positive thoughts no matter what. Sometimes its hard. I keep thinking of the future and what it will be like to bring our baby home. I've had dreams and goals for the babies I've lost, so it doesn't surprise me to have dreams and goals for a baby that may not even be conceived yet.
I'll tell you something else, sex is usually fun! But have you ever had to have sex for several days in a row at certain times in certain positions, even if you weren't really up for it? Do you know how much of a pain it is to have to lay in the same spot for 20 minutes afterwards when all you want to do is pee and go to sleep?! This can take a toll on a marriage. It starts to lose the spontaneity and excitement when you have to do it! I think after almost 10 years of timed sex on an almost monthly basis, we are doing well though. There is a distinct difference in baby making sex and 'normal' romantic sex. Thankfully! :)
Tonight I start my progesterone vaginal suppositories. These little white 'pills' go inside your vaginal canal at bed time.
Progesterone is a pregnancy hormone. My body doesn't produce quite enough of this hormone to support a healthy pregnancy. The progesterone is produced by a cyst that forms on your ovary after ovulation. This cyst is called a corpus luteum. So I have to take these suppositories in the hope that I do get pregnant and my body is ready to carry the little bean. The downside is that I will start to experience pregnancy symptoms within a few days. Sore breasts, sleepiness, sometimes nausea, etc. This is a bit taxing on your mental state when all you want is to get pregnant and your body is acting like its pregnant, even if you may not be!
Another not so fun part of these, they can force your body to continue to carry a baby that will never grow. This has happened with my last two miscarriages. I carried my babies for a few weeks after they stopped growing. One thing that I appreciated from that though, was the ability to have our babies tested to find out what happened. Non-recurring chromosomal abnormalities. These pregnancies usually end on their own before a mother even realizes she is pregnant, but because of the progesterone, your body keeps thinking nothing is wrong.
I refuse to go on anymore on this sad subject today. I want to be happy and positive right now. I want a happy home for a baby to settle in! I'll check in tomorrow and let you know if I'm having a happy bunny or an angry bear kind of day! Keep up the prayers and positive energies for us, and for any person who may be suffering from infant loss or infertility.
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