Days 16 & 17

Sorry for skipping another day.  We went to the hockey game last night.  It was a late game, but it was ok because the Jackets tromped Detroit!  Being hormonal at the game made me cheer even harder, so I guess there are some perks to those stupid little white suppositories!

I am feeling a little hormonal, but not terrible.  I’ve been a bit whiney and a bit short tempered.  Hubby called me out on it last night after talking to me on my drive home and I was complaining about all of the other drivers.  I just had to laugh, because I knew deep inside that I was being silly about it, but I also felt like I couldn’t stop it.  I’ve found its much better to just let it out than to hold it in when I’m feeling like this.  I do not want to recreate the ‘Great Baked Potato Incident’.  It was 7 or 8 years ago, I honestly can’t remember, but I was taking Clomid in the hopes I’d get pregnant.  Clomid is handed out pretty freely by gynos to try and get you pregnant, but they have no monitoring while you are on it so you don’t know if it is working or not.  I never got pregnant and in the trial of it with the fertility doctor, I know that I don’t respond to it, even in the highest dosage available.  All it managed to do was make me a hormonal psycho!  So, one night I was making dinner and we were going to have baked potatoes.  I put them in the toaster oven so that I didn’t have to turn the oven on.  Two hours later, the stupid things hadn’t even really started to cook.  I had never really used a toaster oven before and threw the thing out shortly after this night.  I had a meltdown.  I cried and cried and cried for 2, almost 2 ½ hours over these potatoes.  It wasn’t even so much about them as it was I was mad because I was crying and couldn’t stop.  Hubby, be the good man he is, made some French fries to go with dinner and we ate, while I was still crying.  He tried to calm me down, but no matter what he or I did, I couldn’t stop.  We now joke about it, but at the time, I was so mad at myself for acting like that and not being able to stop it.  When the fertility doctor said she wanted to start with Clomid, Hubby’s face went pale.  I knew he was remembering the Baked Potato Incident.   

Physically, I’m sore.  My insides still hurt and I have this weird twinge-y pain that comes and goes on my right hip.  Its deep, so I’m not sure if its still from my ovaries doing their thing or not.  Mentally, my mind is going 90 different directions.  Its very hard to get anything done.  I am counting down the days until I can pee on that lovely stick, all the while trying to remind myself that it may not work this round.  I don’t want to be too devastated if I only get one pink line.  I also keep thinking to myself, even if it is two pink lines, that doesn’t mean that everything is ok.  I’ve had the positive tests before and still I don’t have a baby to hold.  As I’ve said before, I am trying really hard to keep a positive mind set.  I can’t dwell on the past, but its always there, nagging me.  I know deep in my heart, until I can hold my baby in my arms, I’m going to always be waiting for the worse.  And even after the little one does get here, I’ll have a whole new set of worries.  I certainly hope I’m not prematurely aging myself with all of this worry!  Adding to my mental jumble is a coworker who is due any day now, just left work maybe 30 minutes ago to start maternity leave.  I am envious of her.  She is scared about the labor, about being a mom, and scared about all of it that goes with the grounds of being a mom.  I am jealous that she is feeling these feelings.  I want to be scared about the kind of mother I’ll be, rather than being scared of never being a mother.

In all of the hub-bub of her getting ready to have her son, it has me thinking of the future.  If this round works, we’d be due around December 17^th.  A baby born around the holidays, a baby born around their daddy’s birthday….  Sometimes I feel like I’m giving myself false hope by thinking about these things.  I question if other women who’ve experienced similar struggles have done the same or am I just some nut who likes to torture herself?

Only 11 days to go until I get to pee on that expensive stick!