Cycle Day doesn't F-ing matter

I am confused, irritated, and sad today.  I am having yet another miscarriage. 

I was right last cycle, I was pregnant.  However, with my period starting, we didn't do a blood or urine test.  So, my period was doing its thing, and I thought it was done on Saturday.  Then on Sunday I had some spotting and the spotting continued until last night when I passed a larger glob of bloody mucus.  Then the bleeding started again.  At the doctor's this morning, I said something to Dr. James about it.  She checked everything.  My right ovary hasn't done anything.  My left ovary had 3 follicles getting bigger.  My uterin lining looked great.  I have cysts on my cervix that sometimes bleed, so she checked that, nothing.  She decided to check my HCG level just to see. 

At 3:30 this afternoon, my favorite nurse, Val, called me with the news.  She was like, Um, I have some weird news and I don't know how to tell you.  I said, well, I think I might know what you are going to tell me.  Yep, my HCG came back at 48.  I am technically pregnant.  However, with all the bleeding and the fact I would be 5 1/2 weeks and my hcg is that low, that isn't good.  It should be a minimum of around 200.  I am miscarrying from what we can tell.  I go back on Saturday morning for blood work to see what the HCG levels are.  It would be a far reaching miracle for this to be a viable pregnancy.  So, we are hoping the levels are dropping.  If they aren't and are hanging out at the same level, we may have a bigger issue.  This can cause cancerous growths in the uterus.  The next week or so is going to be full of doctor's appointments. 

My shots have stopped, we can't do them again until after my HCG levels are back at zero.

I am mad, mad that this happened again.  I'm sad that I've lost another baby.  I'm confused because I don't know what is going on with my body.  Why can't I carry a baby.  What is wrong with me???  My heart is broken.  In my heart I knew that I was pregnant and suspected when my period started that this is what was happening.  Now I know and I'm crushed.

I don't know what our future holds as far as our journey goes.  I don't know if Dr. James will want to go to IVF or if we'll be able to go a few more rounds on injections.  We got our dollar amount on IVF today.  It'll be around $10k.  I have no idea how we would do it.  Hubby is already talking about finding another job to help with it. 

Its not fair.  Its just not fair.

Cycle Day 9

So, there was a question from yesterday's blog that I think I should answer.

What is Leiden Factor 5?

Leiden Factor 5 is a genetic blood disorder.  It causes blood clots.  You can inherit one or two copies.  I have only one.  Having only one copy increases my chance for a blood clot from a person without it 10 fold.  If you have two copies, it can increase your chances to 80 times a person without it!  So, while it sucks that I have it, it could be much worse!  Factor 5 as it is commonly called appears in about 5% of Caucasians in the US.  It is hardly seen in any other race.  It is nearly non-existence in the Asian population.

This does run in my family, so I wasn't too terribly surprised when I found out I had it.  Daily maintenance is fairly simple for me.  I take 1 baby aspirin daily.  I'll have to at least take this for the rest of my life, until I have to go on a blood thinner, which is almost guaranteed that I will have to take one.  Now, since I've been taking one for almost two years, when I get cut, I bleed a bit more.  In the past, when I'd get cut, I didn't bleed all that much.  I've always been quick to scab up from a cut or scrape.  Not anymore!

Having Factor 5 increases your chances for miscarriage because of blood clots.  The clots can go to the placenta and block blood flow to the baby.  These usually happen later in the 1st or early in the 2nd trimester.  We have no proof that this has caused a miscarriage for me.  The most recent miscarriage, we were able to determine the baby had a chromosomal defect.  However, the miscarriage I had before then, we weren't able to confirm anything, so it is a slim possibility that a blood clot was the cause.  We say slim because the baby never made it past 5 1/2 weeks so there was no placenta yet to have a blood clot block blood flow to.

Because of my history of miscarriages and the risk the Factor 5 carries, Dr. James would like for me to start on a blood thinner when I do get pregnant.  I would be taking Lovenox.  This is one of the only blood thinners approved to take during pregnancy.  There are risks from the blood thinner, like if I had an accident while on it, I could bleed to death.  For me though, the risks for that sort of thing are less than the risk of a blood clot. 

Tomorrow I go back for my ultrasound to check my follicles.  I'm nervous, I hope we have some good ones!  I am keeping positive happy thoughts this cycle.  I hope we trigger on Saturday!

Cycle Day 8-Planning

Well, today was our consultation with Dr. James.  I would say it went well.  We discussed several concerns and Dr. James shared her personal struggle with infertility with us.

As I have said before, I love my doctor.  She is an amazing person.  I now know why she is so compassionate towards her patients.  She is one herself.  We found out that she has endometreosis and low quality eggs.  She is pregnant with twin girls, due in July.  These miracles from from donor eggs.  While she is treating me, and others like me, she is going through the pain and stress of trying to conceive.  It was an awesome experience to have her share that with us.

Our consultation was nice.  I was a little discouraged though when Dr. James said she thinks our case has been a case of bad luck.  She isn't ready to give up on the injections yet.  We are going to go another couple of rounds before seriously discussing IVF.  We know that I can get pregnant and we know the miscarriages have been from genetic defects.  It was nothing my body caused.  She does want me to start on a blood thinner though when I get pregnant again.  Because of my Leiden factor 5 issue, a blood clot could cause a miscarriage later in a pregnancy. 

There is a possibility before we do IVF, if we have to do IVF, that I'll have to have an exploratory surgery.  It would be laproscopic, but still, eek!  They would go in under my belly button and see if there may be anything wrong.  Dr. James doesn't think I'll have to have the surgery, but there is a very real possibility that I will.  It would be out patient and I'd only be off of work for a few days.

We also discussed that possibility that there is something wrong with my eggs.  She doesn't believe that to be the case, but we wouldn't know for certain until we do IVF.  In the case that I have 'bad eggs', we could use a donor.  There are a few options for this.  We could use a donor that is part of the pool that Dr. James uses or we could go through a private agency, much like an adoption agency.  The difference is, $4,000 with Dr. James or $10,000 for a private agency.  This is on top of the cost of IVF.

IVF, without insurance would run about $13,000 for us.  We are waiting on a call from the woman at the Dr's office who will run all the figures with our insurance.  Brad and I were doing a few rough estimates on what we know our insurance covers, like medicines and such, it would probably be like $4,000 less.  After we talk with her on the cost, we'll have a better idea of what we can do.

We are pretty certain, we'd give IVF a try if we can get the money.  We have been trying to think of the different ways we can come up with it.  There is the option of taking on second jobs.  We can finance it, but ugh.... 

I feel pretty positive about today.  Dr. James thinks we have a great chance of getting pregnant without IVF.  About a 20% chance each cycle.  But with IVF, she said she'd put our chances between 50% and 70%. 

My shots are going well.  No bleeding today from them.  I can't wait to go back to the doctor on Thursday to see how many follicles are there and when we'll trigger!

Cycle Day 7

My left ovary has been very sore today.  Its definitely doing something!  Dr. James confirmed it this morning at my appointment.  I have several follicles responding on my left ovary, but two of them are a little bigger than the others.  My right ovary has two follicles that are doing their thing.  I expect to have 4 eggs when we trigger.  Thank makes me happy!

Ugh, last night when we did my shot, it was a two poke night, I bled.  Today, I have the nastiest bruise!  Its a gross blue color and is about the size of a half dollar.  I hate how ugly it makes my legs look. 

I've been pretty grumpy today too.  I can tell my hormones are going nuts.  My period is still going on, just enough to be a pain, and then I've got the hormones from the injections.  My brain is going in 50 different directions today, and 46 of them seem to be in unhappy places!  I am looking forward to dinner tonight though.  I've been so hungry today. 

I've lost about 10 pounds in the last couple of months, and I'm afraid I've gained it all back today!  I feel like I've not eaten anything, but I've been eating stuff all day. 

I go back to the doctor on Thursday to double check my follicles, but we go tomorrow afternoon for our consultation.  We are going to discuss IVF.  I hope we don't have to go that route, but at least we'll have discussed it.

Keep the prayers and positive baby energies coming our way.  They help.  Even though we don't have a baby to hold yet to show for them, they are getting us through every day!

Cycle days 5&6

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see how many follicles are growing.  I'm excited about it.  I hope for some good eggs this go around.

We did my shot for tonight just a bit ago.  It was a double shot night, which I hate.  Tonight was worse, because it burned really bad.  I bled a lot too.  I have two band-aids on my leg, and they burn.  I'm allergic to the sticky on band-aids.  I will have to take them off soon so I don't get hives!

Whenever I bleed, I'm always afraid the medicine is coming out.  I don't want to lose the medicine!  Sure, it sounds silly, but this medicine has to be done every 24 hours, within a two hour window.  I don't know how exact the dosage has to be, so what happens if some of it leaks out?! 

I am in good spirits right now.  Last night I spent time with some good friends.  It was nice to just hang out and be silly.  I did end up having a couple of drinks last night, so that helped me loosen up! 

I hope to have some high numbers at the doctor tomorrow.  I don't want to have to up my dosage!  We'll see, but I believe that we'll be inseminating on Sunday!

Cycle Day 4

Today was the second day of injections.  They didn't burn so much today.  I didn't bleed either.  The metallic taste hit me pretty quickly and strongly today. 

I was in a really good mood today, still am.  I have a renewed sense of hope.  I honestly haven't felt his hopeful in a long time.  I know we can do this, I know we have the strength to get through all of these obstacles.  My friends have reached out and given me so much strength and support that I feel like I could do anything!

I go back to the doctor on Monday for my follow up.  I'm curious if we'll trigger at the same time this cycle as we did last cycle.  I started on a Tuesday last cycle and I started on Tuesday this cycle.  So, if we do, that means next weekend I'll be getting basted! 

On Tuesday, we go back to the doctor, hubby and I together, for a consultation with the doctor.  I'm not as nervous about it as I once was.  I am always so afraid of going and getting bad news.  But Hubby pointed out, this is our journey, we get to make the final call, not the doctor.  If we feel that we can do this with the injections, we'll keep doing them.  We've managed to get pregnant twice on them.  I hope the third time is the charm!

I'm keeping it short tonight.  Hubby and I are enjoying a relaxing evening together.  I even enjoyed a glass of wine tonight.  I can squeeze one in right now, before trigger!  So I did. 

Cycle Day 3-What a surprise

I want to say Thank You again to all of the amazing people in my life. 

I came home today to a huge surprise.  I'm pulling into the house and see my big white box of follistim from the pharmacy sitting on the porch.  Then on my garage door I see a delivery tag stuck to it.  I was thing WTF?  I pull it off the door and its a tag from a local florist that says your package has been delivered to the back door.  Sitting on my back step is a huge box with a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers inside.  At this point, I'm confused as can be.  I finally find the tag and am blown away.  It says "I hope you have a great day".  It was from a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years!  I just sat down in my kitchen and cried. 

On my table are two packages that mean so much to me.  One, a beautiful gesture of love and care.  The other, vials that have the power to bring me the one thing I want more than anything in the world.  I am at a loss for words at this point. 

I want to tell my friend, if you are reading this, you made my week!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

So, I finally get the flowers in a vase and my follistim in the fridge.  I'm back to a more stable feeling.  Happy and still shocked. 

I had my first injection tonight of this round.  It doesn't matter how many times I have them, the first night I still get worked up.  I fight off a panic attack as Hubby is getting my shot ready.  Tonight, my dog must have noticed I was scared.  She laid beside me on the bed and licked my hand while the needle when in.  Then, while we were counting to 10, she laid on my chest and gave me kisses.  She is so sweet and knows when I'm upset.  She is actually glued to my lap tonight, so I'm twisted on the couch trying to type this and keep my computer off of her. 

My dose tonight was 100.  It burned a lot tonight, but I think part of it was it didn't have a lot of time to warm up.  Ouchie!

Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of days ago.  So many friends have reached out to me, giving me hope.  They've shared their stories and have offered so much.  I really can't thank all of you enough. 

Tonight, I'm going to veg out on the couch with my puppy dog and hubby and just relax.  I need to remember that through all of this, RELAX!