Cycle Day 21

And so the psycho moments begin....

I've felt very very unstable today.  I go from happy thoughts about the possibility of being pregnant to freaking out about how I'll handle it if I'm not.  A good friend told me to just chill out.  LOL  I tried.  I'm feeling a bit more stable, but no quite my 'normal' self.  I've felt wonky all day though.  Something feels off.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, things aren't 'normal'. 

I'm not having the belly button pinching anymore, but my ovaries are still occasionally reminding me they are still there!  It sometimes will take my breath away!  My breasts are more tender today and Hubby swears the areola and nipples are darker.  I guess he'd know better than me, I don't spend that much time staring at my breasts!  I'm feeling more tired too.  And good lord am I eating!  I feel like I'm just never full.  My sense of smell seems to be picking up too.  I kept smelling cigar smoke during lunch today.  I also thought I smelled egg rolls, but I couldn't find them.  Boy did they smell good too!  I wanted an egg roll after that!

This afternoon, I was talking to Hubby about some of my fears.  One of them is having twins.  I wouldn't even necessarily call it a fear, but maybe more of a thought.  I wouldn't mind twins.  It would solve one problem of me wanting more than one child and not wanting to go through fertility treatments all over again.  Anyway, I was having a moment and asked Hubby OMG, what if we have twins, what are we going to do?  His response :well if it happens, it happens.  Nothing we can do but love them all.

It made me smile.  Its just another reason why I love him.  He can talk me down out of a panic in just one statement.  It isn't going to matter to him what the outcome is, he is going to love me and our children anyway.

I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to test on Sunday or wait the extra two days....

 

Cycle Day 20

This morning, my day was busy, busy, busy, this afternoon, I slept!  I ended up sleeping for 3 1/2 hours this afternoon.  I was so tired.  I still feel really sleepy.

I'm getting the belly button pinching this evening.  It didn't start yesterday until the afternoon, and I was cleaning until around 3:30, not paying any attention to my body.  I fell asleep at 3:30 and I haven't felt anything other than heartburn when I've been sleeping.  This evening, when I got up off of the couch, my ovaries had some pain in them.  Then, while cooking dinner, the belly button pinching started.  I'm still having some slight cramping in my uterus and around that area.

I've been drinking a lot more than usual.  I've been peeing more too, but I'm not surprised since I'm drinking more.  However, my pee has become neon yellow.  The only different medicine I'm taking is the progesterone suppositories, and I don't remember them ever making my pee so bright in the past! 

I've been craving salt.  Dill pickles have tasted great, but they are salty.  Last night, we didn't eat dinner until almost 10pm, and we did a fend for yourself night.  Hubby made himself chicken sandwiches.  I made ramen noodles.  I had a bowl of chicken ramen, ate it then promptly went and made a bowl of the oriental flavored ramen.  It tasted so good.  However, it killed my stomach!  Ugh!  No slow potty this morning!

I'm curious how this next week will go, as far as symptoms.  If I am pregnant, nausea will probably set in later in the week, if things follow a similar pattern.  My breasts are tender, but not to the point of hurting.  Hubby says my nipples have darkened (sorry if its TMI, but its a sign of pregnancy) and I've developed little bumpies around the edge of my areola.  I guess these are glands that become prominent in some pregnant women.  It happened in my last two pregnancies.

I'm so nervous about testing because I want to be pregnant so bad.  I want it to be positive.  I just don't know if I am.  I've got a week before I can test.  Then if I am pregnant, its a 9 month or so wait to see if the baby gets here happy and healthy!  And oh lord, what if there are more than one in there?!

Day 18-Changes!

Today has been a rough day.  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I have this soreness in my lower belly, by my uterus/bladder area, that feels like I’ve been doing sit ups all night.  Other than that I felt fine, nothing different.  Hubby and I talked in the bathroom while we were both getting ready for work.  It was a nice moment of closeness we shared because we are both going through this and it is sharing how each other feel.  We mostly just talked about how I’m feeling and if I have noticed any symptoms yet.  I am 5 days past ovulation date.  Symptoms could start showing up any day now.  This morning, I had nothing to really report other than the sore belly and a slowing down of my potty abilities….  Not constipation, but slower.

This afternoon however, ugh.  My tummy is still sore.   I have this stabbing pain around my right ovary whenever I move and off and on when I’m just sitting.  There are times it almost takes my breath away.  I think it may be the corpeus lutium.  I think it is setting up shop!  I’m having some strange spasm feelings in my cervix and my cervical mucus is getting to be this thinner white consistency.  My pants have apparently shrank during the late morning, early afternoon because I had to unbutton them and they are now being held closed with a rubber band.  I’ve eaten pretty much anything and everything I’ve laid eyes on and am still starving!  I’ve drank several glasses of water and still feel thirsty, which has led to more peeing.  There have been several times this afternoon I’ve had to fight to keep from laying down and sleeping. 

At first, its easy to get excited about these symptoms.  But remember, I’m on progesterone suppositories, so it could just be from them.  Or, it could be early pregnancy symptoms.  Its so heart wrenching to feel these things and not know.  I’m getting excited from feeling them, but I’m so afraid of the potential let down that could be coming in a week and a half.

Days 16 & 17

Sorry for skipping another day.  We went to the hockey game last night.  It was a late game, but it was ok because the Jackets tromped Detroit!  Being hormonal at the game made me cheer even harder, so I guess there are some perks to those stupid little white suppositories!

I am feeling a little hormonal, but not terrible.  I’ve been a bit whiney and a bit short tempered.  Hubby called me out on it last night after talking to me on my drive home and I was complaining about all of the other drivers.  I just had to laugh, because I knew deep inside that I was being silly about it, but I also felt like I couldn’t stop it.  I’ve found its much better to just let it out than to hold it in when I’m feeling like this.  I do not want to recreate the ‘Great Baked Potato Incident’.  It was 7 or 8 years ago, I honestly can’t remember, but I was taking Clomid in the hopes I’d get pregnant.  Clomid is handed out pretty freely by gynos to try and get you pregnant, but they have no monitoring while you are on it so you don’t know if it is working or not.  I never got pregnant and in the trial of it with the fertility doctor, I know that I don’t respond to it, even in the highest dosage available.  All it managed to do was make me a hormonal psycho!  So, one night I was making dinner and we were going to have baked potatoes.  I put them in the toaster oven so that I didn’t have to turn the oven on.  Two hours later, the stupid things hadn’t even really started to cook.  I had never really used a toaster oven before and threw the thing out shortly after this night.  I had a meltdown.  I cried and cried and cried for 2, almost 2 ½ hours over these potatoes.  It wasn’t even so much about them as it was I was mad because I was crying and couldn’t stop.  Hubby, be the good man he is, made some French fries to go with dinner and we ate, while I was still crying.  He tried to calm me down, but no matter what he or I did, I couldn’t stop.  We now joke about it, but at the time, I was so mad at myself for acting like that and not being able to stop it.  When the fertility doctor said she wanted to start with Clomid, Hubby’s face went pale.  I knew he was remembering the Baked Potato Incident.   

Physically, I’m sore.  My insides still hurt and I have this weird twinge-y pain that comes and goes on my right hip.  Its deep, so I’m not sure if its still from my ovaries doing their thing or not.  Mentally, my mind is going 90 different directions.  Its very hard to get anything done.  I am counting down the days until I can pee on that lovely stick, all the while trying to remind myself that it may not work this round.  I don’t want to be too devastated if I only get one pink line.  I also keep thinking to myself, even if it is two pink lines, that doesn’t mean that everything is ok.  I’ve had the positive tests before and still I don’t have a baby to hold.  As I’ve said before, I am trying really hard to keep a positive mind set.  I can’t dwell on the past, but its always there, nagging me.  I know deep in my heart, until I can hold my baby in my arms, I’m going to always be waiting for the worse.  And even after the little one does get here, I’ll have a whole new set of worries.  I certainly hope I’m not prematurely aging myself with all of this worry!  Adding to my mental jumble is a coworker who is due any day now, just left work maybe 30 minutes ago to start maternity leave.  I am envious of her.  She is scared about the labor, about being a mom, and scared about all of it that goes with the grounds of being a mom.  I am jealous that she is feeling these feelings.  I want to be scared about the kind of mother I’ll be, rather than being scared of never being a mother.

In all of the hub-bub of her getting ready to have her son, it has me thinking of the future.  If this round works, we’d be due around December 17^th.  A baby born around the holidays, a baby born around their daddy’s birthday….  Sometimes I feel like I’m giving myself false hope by thinking about these things.  I question if other women who’ve experienced similar struggles have done the same or am I just some nut who likes to torture herself?

Only 11 days to go until I get to pee on that expensive stick!

Cycle Day 13--Early morning basteing

6:30 came really early this morning.  But, considering we had a 7:30 drop off of Hubby's little swimmers, I had to wake up. 

As weird as it is for me to have doctors 'in my business' every few days, I can't imagine how weird it must be for hubby and his part.  He must deposit his little swimmers into a specimen cup, at a certain date and time.  The cup then rides, tucked inside a coat pocket to keep them body temp, to the doctor.  There, he passes them off to a lab tech, today a young woman, and fill out a sheet that asks things like how his sample was collected and what time.

After the drop off we have to wait an hour and a half for me to come back for my IUI.  We usually go for a nice breakfast and try not to think about what our day holds.  Today we tried a place called Mimi's Cafe, and it was really good!

Back to the doctor's office at 9:00.  My favorite nurse, Val, she gets us checked into a room and has a little vial that carries Hubby's cleaned swimmers.  To 'clean' them, they are spun out of the fluid they are in, into a sterile fluid that is hot pink in color.  On the vial they have Hubby's name, the last four digits of his social security number and my name. Val verifies Hubby's name and social, hands me my paper towel sheet and off she goes, telling us the doctor will be in shortly. 

This weekend I've been seeing Dr. Moretuzzo.  He is a soft spoken and friendly doctor.  The doctors in this practice are some of the nicest and most loving doctors I have ever encountered.  Dr. Moretuzzo comes in and gives us Hubby's numbers.  The count is 97 Million with 90% motility.  The average count is about 30 million, so these are great numbers!  Hubby watches what he eats and drinks in the days leading up to our IUI to maximize his numbers.  Seems to be working!  So, Dr. Moretuzzo inserts a speculum (that lovely device they use in our annual visits for pap smears) to open  the canal so he can see my cervix.  He then uses a catheter that is made specifically for IUI.  This is what is looks like

Its like a long straw on a syringe that injects the swimmers into my uterus.  You actually don't feel much at all, for me, I only feel a slight tickle on my cervix when it passes through.   The doctor is able to aim the catheter so that they can deposit some swimmers on a particular side, or some on both if you have eggs on both sides.  This puts them as close as possible to the eggs, ensuring more of them make it.  The doctor then takes everything back out and pulls out the foot rest on the exam table for you to rest for 10 minutes or so.  And that is it!  That is all there is to an IUI.  After your 10 minutes, off you go.

Now, for the next few days, we have to go at it on our own, just to increase our changes.  There won't be a whole lot to report on.

Physically though, I hurt.  My breasts are super super sore and my ovaries are cramping a lot.  I'm not looking forward to starting the progesterone in a couple of days. 

We now wait 2 weeks and 2 days to take a pregnancy test.  Fingers are crossed, toes are crossed, prayers are being said, and baby dances are being done!

Cycle Day 12--Sorry I'm late!

I apologize for not posting yesterday, so I'll post this morning instead.

Yesterday, I took a nap that ended up being a 4 1/2 hour long nap!  These hormone shots are knocking me for a loop.

I triggered yesterday.  This was done with an injection in my right hip.  This is probably the least painful shot in the whole process.  However, it makes the surrounding area very sore.  We ended up going to watch the Blue Jackets practice after my appointment and it was a bit uncomfortable to sit in those seats!

The good news though.  I had 3 eggs that would for sure be popped out and possibly two more that could trigger.  The one follicle measured a .24, another a .23 and another a .18.  Anything over a .16 usually triggers.  I had two more that were about .147.  If I had enough of the follistim in my body, those could release as well.  Each 24 hour period of follistim, your follicles grow about .2.  Therefore; if I had enough follistim, the two .147 could reach a .167, being big enough to trigger.

Having 3 eggs is a great amount.  On any regular cycle for a woman who has 1 egg, you have a 25% chance of getting pregnant.  You can do the math here and look at how promising 3 eggs are and how much more promising 5 eggs are!

Since its still early in the day and I have a whole day of fun ahead of me, I'll not share my morning events with you yet.  There was enough happening yesterday for one post!

Cycle Day 10-More than you realize

Well, no trigger shot today.  I go back on Saturday and will trigger then.  I'm working on a handful of eggies.  We should have a better idea on Saturday how many we are talking.  Could be just one or two pop, or it could be like 8! 

My ovaries hurt worse today than I can ever remember, and my breasts feel like they need cut off.  Mucus is nice and egg white-like, just like it should be, but ugh, yuck!  My insides hurt from the ultrasound.  My left ovary is a master hide and seek player and they have to jam the wand in as far as they can, push it to the left and then push on my belly to see it.  I feel like I've been scrambled! 


Today though, I made some connections with a couple of co-workers that I was not expecting.  I've been fairly vocal with my co-workers about what is going on, mainly so they know that when I'm bawling my eyes out for no reason, just let me be.  The one coworker, we'll call her MC, she had a tubal pregnancy two years ago and lost a fallopian tube.  She is concerned because she has not been able to get pregnant again.  Her doctor has suggested she have her tubes checked for blockage and she is scared.  She is scared of what she will find out in the test, that her one remaining tube is blocked.  And that it will be the start of her journey down the infertility treatment road.  She is not afraid of the physical pain, but of the emotional pain.  It was nice for the two of us to just talk about the emotional side of this.  If you have never been through the loss and frustration, you'll never fully understand.

Another coworker, we'll call her ML, she sent me a message that just said "someone told me I should check out your blog".  That gave me a big ol' smile.  Someone out there is reading this and believes that this could be helpful.  Anyway, I found out she too has PCOS.  We had some discussion about doctors and the joys of this disorder....  Its nice to know that you aren't the only one out there dealing with the depression, body hair, weight that won't budge... 

There are more of us than you realize!

I did something tonight that has taken me two and a half years to do. 

I finally cleaned up the baby car seat.  This has been sitting in my mom's basement since August of 2009.  Back then, we were going to adopt a beautiful baby girl.  We were there at the hospital when she was born and took care of her until it was time to go home.  About 30 minutes before we were supposed to be released, the birth mom came to us and said she changed her mind, she just couldn't let her baby girl go. 

As a woman who wants to be a mom more than anything in the world, I could never imagine going through what this mom went through.  She had made the choice to find a forever home for her baby girl, believing it was for the best.  I felt honored to be the mom picked out for this sweet angel.  Then I was absolutely crushed when she was taken away.  I believe it is best for her to be with her birth mother, as long as her birth mom loves her and cares for her.

I've never felt a crushing pain like I did that day.  I've lost four babies to miscarriage, but I've NEVER felt the pain of having her taken away.  There is a huge difference in losing a baby that you've only known on an ultrasound screen and losing a baby that you've held and loved and cared for.  Both hurt immensely but they both hurt differently. 

Needless to say, this rocked me to my core.   My mother and sister came to the rescue that day when Hubby and I stumbled home, numb.  They boxed up everything that we had purchased and took it to my mom's house.  There is has sat since that day.  This weekend though, I finally felt strong enough to start bringing stuff home.  I brought home the car seat and our boppy pillow.  After two and a half years of sitting in a basement, they needed cleaned up.  So now the seat liner and pillows are drying. 

I can not express how good it felt to be able to do that.  I believe I am truly stronger because of this experience.  My heart now feels ready to love again.

Cycle Day 9, He's back!!!

Today is cycle day 9.  There is not a whole lot to report other than the Hubby is finally home from Texas!  I'm happy he is home.  Partially because it meant I didn't have to give myself my shot today.  :)  But mostly because I missed him.

I hope today is my last injection, but I have a feeling it won't be.  One of the signs of being close to ovulation is your mucus thickens.  I know, its gross to think about.   How do you think I feel, watching my mucus levels to see when they reach egg white like consistency?  That is one of the signs that ovulation is close at hand.  Mine are thickening and increasing in volume, but I don't think its quite there.  I guess we'll see tomorrow.

My breasts are starting to get really sore and my ovaries are hurting.  Perhaps I'll get my trigger shot tomorrow.

Tune in tomorrow for an update on my trigger date!

Cycle Day 7-Progress! Oh, and a video

Today is cycle day 7.  I had my doctor's appointment to check the follicle growth. 

Good news!  Big smiles from me today.

The doctor measured 4 follicles and said she wasn't going to measure another 2 or 3 because she could tell they were the same size.  She laughed and said I'm responding faster than I have in the past.  Normally, I do injections for 10-12 nights.  I go back on Thursday and I might trigger then.  If so, that will only be 8 nights.Things are looking great!  I am a little bummed though, my follow up on Thursday will not be with Dr. James, but will be with her partner, Dr. Nash.  He is a great doctor too, but he just isn't Dr. James. 

Now, lets look at the number of follicles.  You might be thinking, OMG 4, possibly 7 eggs?  Is she nuts?  I may be, but... the chances of all of those eggs becoming fertilized, implanting, and making it through to a full term baby are very very very slim!  For the average fertile couple, there is a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle.  Now, with me having fertility issues and having had 4 miscarriages, my chances are even less.  I have very good chances of having one of those eggs fertilize and implant.  My chances of it being a successful pregnancy are a bit more grim.  But, I refuse to dwell on the negative possibilities and I am focusing on all of the positive possibilities! 

On to the not so fun part of my day, INJECTIONS, dun dun dunnnnn....

I decided to record my injections tonight.  I apologize, the video is 7 minutes long, but I wanted to do this.  Its video proof for some of you out there that I can actually do this! The video probably would be shorter, but it was a double injection night.... 

I am wearing shorts in this!  I am NOT pants-less!  LOL

I want to say thank you again for taking the time to read my blog.  It means so much that so many people care.  I also hope this helps someone who may be going through this!