Cycle Day 8-Planning

Well, today was our consultation with Dr. James.  I would say it went well.  We discussed several concerns and Dr. James shared her personal struggle with infertility with us.

As I have said before, I love my doctor.  She is an amazing person.  I now know why she is so compassionate towards her patients.  She is one herself.  We found out that she has endometreosis and low quality eggs.  She is pregnant with twin girls, due in July.  These miracles from from donor eggs.  While she is treating me, and others like me, she is going through the pain and stress of trying to conceive.  It was an awesome experience to have her share that with us.

Our consultation was nice.  I was a little discouraged though when Dr. James said she thinks our case has been a case of bad luck.  She isn't ready to give up on the injections yet.  We are going to go another couple of rounds before seriously discussing IVF.  We know that I can get pregnant and we know the miscarriages have been from genetic defects.  It was nothing my body caused.  She does want me to start on a blood thinner though when I get pregnant again.  Because of my Leiden factor 5 issue, a blood clot could cause a miscarriage later in a pregnancy. 

There is a possibility before we do IVF, if we have to do IVF, that I'll have to have an exploratory surgery.  It would be laproscopic, but still, eek!  They would go in under my belly button and see if there may be anything wrong.  Dr. James doesn't think I'll have to have the surgery, but there is a very real possibility that I will.  It would be out patient and I'd only be off of work for a few days.

We also discussed that possibility that there is something wrong with my eggs.  She doesn't believe that to be the case, but we wouldn't know for certain until we do IVF.  In the case that I have 'bad eggs', we could use a donor.  There are a few options for this.  We could use a donor that is part of the pool that Dr. James uses or we could go through a private agency, much like an adoption agency.  The difference is, $4,000 with Dr. James or $10,000 for a private agency.  This is on top of the cost of IVF.

IVF, without insurance would run about $13,000 for us.  We are waiting on a call from the woman at the Dr's office who will run all the figures with our insurance.  Brad and I were doing a few rough estimates on what we know our insurance covers, like medicines and such, it would probably be like $4,000 less.  After we talk with her on the cost, we'll have a better idea of what we can do.

We are pretty certain, we'd give IVF a try if we can get the money.  We have been trying to think of the different ways we can come up with it.  There is the option of taking on second jobs.  We can finance it, but ugh.... 

I feel pretty positive about today.  Dr. James thinks we have a great chance of getting pregnant without IVF.  About a 20% chance each cycle.  But with IVF, she said she'd put our chances between 50% and 70%. 

My shots are going well.  No bleeding today from them.  I can't wait to go back to the doctor on Thursday to see how many follicles are there and when we'll trigger!

Cycle Day 7

My left ovary has been very sore today.  Its definitely doing something!  Dr. James confirmed it this morning at my appointment.  I have several follicles responding on my left ovary, but two of them are a little bigger than the others.  My right ovary has two follicles that are doing their thing.  I expect to have 4 eggs when we trigger.  Thank makes me happy!

Ugh, last night when we did my shot, it was a two poke night, I bled.  Today, I have the nastiest bruise!  Its a gross blue color and is about the size of a half dollar.  I hate how ugly it makes my legs look. 

I've been pretty grumpy today too.  I can tell my hormones are going nuts.  My period is still going on, just enough to be a pain, and then I've got the hormones from the injections.  My brain is going in 50 different directions today, and 46 of them seem to be in unhappy places!  I am looking forward to dinner tonight though.  I've been so hungry today. 

I've lost about 10 pounds in the last couple of months, and I'm afraid I've gained it all back today!  I feel like I've not eaten anything, but I've been eating stuff all day. 

I go back to the doctor on Thursday to double check my follicles, but we go tomorrow afternoon for our consultation.  We are going to discuss IVF.  I hope we don't have to go that route, but at least we'll have discussed it.

Keep the prayers and positive baby energies coming our way.  They help.  Even though we don't have a baby to hold yet to show for them, they are getting us through every day!

Cycle days 5&6

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to see how many follicles are growing.  I'm excited about it.  I hope for some good eggs this go around.

We did my shot for tonight just a bit ago.  It was a double shot night, which I hate.  Tonight was worse, because it burned really bad.  I bled a lot too.  I have two band-aids on my leg, and they burn.  I'm allergic to the sticky on band-aids.  I will have to take them off soon so I don't get hives!

Whenever I bleed, I'm always afraid the medicine is coming out.  I don't want to lose the medicine!  Sure, it sounds silly, but this medicine has to be done every 24 hours, within a two hour window.  I don't know how exact the dosage has to be, so what happens if some of it leaks out?! 

I am in good spirits right now.  Last night I spent time with some good friends.  It was nice to just hang out and be silly.  I did end up having a couple of drinks last night, so that helped me loosen up! 

I hope to have some high numbers at the doctor tomorrow.  I don't want to have to up my dosage!  We'll see, but I believe that we'll be inseminating on Sunday!

Cycle Day 4

Today was the second day of injections.  They didn't burn so much today.  I didn't bleed either.  The metallic taste hit me pretty quickly and strongly today. 

I was in a really good mood today, still am.  I have a renewed sense of hope.  I honestly haven't felt his hopeful in a long time.  I know we can do this, I know we have the strength to get through all of these obstacles.  My friends have reached out and given me so much strength and support that I feel like I could do anything!

I go back to the doctor on Monday for my follow up.  I'm curious if we'll trigger at the same time this cycle as we did last cycle.  I started on a Tuesday last cycle and I started on Tuesday this cycle.  So, if we do, that means next weekend I'll be getting basted! 

On Tuesday, we go back to the doctor, hubby and I together, for a consultation with the doctor.  I'm not as nervous about it as I once was.  I am always so afraid of going and getting bad news.  But Hubby pointed out, this is our journey, we get to make the final call, not the doctor.  If we feel that we can do this with the injections, we'll keep doing them.  We've managed to get pregnant twice on them.  I hope the third time is the charm!

I'm keeping it short tonight.  Hubby and I are enjoying a relaxing evening together.  I even enjoyed a glass of wine tonight.  I can squeeze one in right now, before trigger!  So I did. 

Cycle Day 3-What a surprise

I want to say Thank You again to all of the amazing people in my life. 

I came home today to a huge surprise.  I'm pulling into the house and see my big white box of follistim from the pharmacy sitting on the porch.  Then on my garage door I see a delivery tag stuck to it.  I was thing WTF?  I pull it off the door and its a tag from a local florist that says your package has been delivered to the back door.  Sitting on my back step is a huge box with a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers inside.  At this point, I'm confused as can be.  I finally find the tag and am blown away.  It says "I hope you have a great day".  It was from a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years!  I just sat down in my kitchen and cried. 

On my table are two packages that mean so much to me.  One, a beautiful gesture of love and care.  The other, vials that have the power to bring me the one thing I want more than anything in the world.  I am at a loss for words at this point. 

I want to tell my friend, if you are reading this, you made my week!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

So, I finally get the flowers in a vase and my follistim in the fridge.  I'm back to a more stable feeling.  Happy and still shocked. 

I had my first injection tonight of this round.  It doesn't matter how many times I have them, the first night I still get worked up.  I fight off a panic attack as Hubby is getting my shot ready.  Tonight, my dog must have noticed I was scared.  She laid beside me on the bed and licked my hand while the needle when in.  Then, while we were counting to 10, she laid on my chest and gave me kisses.  She is so sweet and knows when I'm upset.  She is actually glued to my lap tonight, so I'm twisted on the couch trying to type this and keep my computer off of her. 

My dose tonight was 100.  It burned a lot tonight, but I think part of it was it didn't have a lot of time to warm up.  Ouchie!

Mentally, I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of days ago.  So many friends have reached out to me, giving me hope.  They've shared their stories and have offered so much.  I really can't thank all of you enough. 

Tonight, I'm going to veg out on the couch with my puppy dog and hubby and just relax.  I need to remember that through all of this, RELAX!

Cycle Day 2-Its better today.

So, this song made me cry today.  Its called “Heaven (Little by Little)” by Theory of a Deadman.  I NEVER would have expected a song by them would make me cry.  There is a part in the song that goes “The fact that you keep trying is what sets you apart”.  That hit me like a truck this afternoon.

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  I’ve been hormonal and emotional.  My gut sank yesterday when the doctor told me she wanted to have a consultation with us about our fertility plans.  The next step is obviously IVF.  I know I can’t afford that so I felt like we were close to the end of trying.  But, I went in this morning for my baseline scan, everything is ok and we start on shots tomorrow, and the doctor said that she wants to go over my entire chart together and have an open discussion about IVF.  She isn’t saying we have to do IVF, but wants to go over the costs and details so we can make the choice of going on to IVF or going longer on the shots.  She said with me having been able to get pregnant twice on the shots, she knows it can work for us, its just a matter of how long do we go through with it.  It is going to be a hard discussion to have, but I think its needed. 

My baseline went well and we start the shots tomorrow.  Keeping the dose at 100, Dr. James thinks that is a great level for me.  So we’ll see how it goes.  I’m having a terrible period.  Heavy heavy bleeding, a lot of clotting, and some of the worse cramps I can remember having in a while.  My blood sugar has been wonky because of the bleeding, so I’ve felt like crap. 

I did want to say THANK YOU! to those of you who have reached out to me.  The words of encouragement and support have helped greatly.  I heard from someone last night that I was not expecting to have heard from.  She is an amazing person who has faced death and said “No not me!” and has gone on to become a wife and mother, something that 15+ years ago few would have thought possible.  She has overcome more than I’ve ever been faced with and is such a bright and happy person.  If she can do that, I know I CAN accept the challenges I’ve been given and NEVER give up.  Inspiration and the Divine come to you when you need it most, you just have to want to see it.

So on that note, I’m leaving you with the lyrics to the song that stopped me today. 

Now don't you be afraid
We can always talk about
No need to medicate
Cuz I know you're strong without it
You got me through the days
When I thought I couldn't face it
Let me count the ways
The love we have you can't replace it

Just hold on, I'm not that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Now you're far away
And I'm alone to cry about it
It's not a better place
When you die and leave me here to say

Hold on, I was never that strong

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

You'll get stronger
If you need me, I'm not far away
So, just hold on
I'll help you find the way
I'll help you find the way

There's a little piece of heaven
Right here where you are
The fact that you keep trying
Is what sets you apart.
Help me find the reason
And I'll help you find the way
To get rid of all your pain
Little by little, day by day

Little by little, day by day

Cycle Day 1-We start again

Well, as you can see from the title, its cycle day 1 again. 

My period started with force over night.  Ugh....  This is a very painful and heavy period.  A lot of clotting and cramping.

I called my doctor today.  I go in first thing in the morning for a baseline scan.  However, I have to make an appointment for a consultation with Dr. James to discuss our future.  They usually allow 3 cycles on one step before moving on.  I've had 4 unsuccessful rounds on the follistim. 

I'm scared because I know the next step is IVF.  IVF is also very expensive.  $10,000-$15,000 a cycle.  And there is still no guarantee. 

Bottom line is, I can't afford that!  I'm scared because I'm afraid we are approaching the end of our road on this journey and its not the destination I had planned.